This is some thing I do not talk about much but for the people that do not know me it may help to explain why it took me so long to start my transition.
Does any shy person out there know if they had been shy their whole life or did they become shy later on? for me I think I remember when I became shy, of course every body I have told this to does not believe it.
When I was around 3 years old I remember walking up to a kid to tell him that his mother wanted him, he responded by shooting me in the eye with a popgun, up until then I do not remember being shy, that's when we lived in Canada, the next thing I remember is being in school in England about 2 years later, the reason I think this happened was in my mind it made me scared to go up to anybody because of what they may do to me, I know I was so shy I would not go into a store by myself to buy anything until I was a teenager, even then I would rather have my mother or dad buy it.
I remember one day in England, my mother had to drag me to the school van, she made me wear shorts, no way did I want the other kids making fun of me in shorts, you know that old song that goes like "who wears short shorts" that how old it is about 1960, until I was 13 I lived in a small village of around 80 people, I think there were only 5 kids to play with so not a lot of interaction with others. some days I can't believe that was me that lived that life.
In 1968 we moved to the states, now I had to go to a new school system, I have no idea how I lived through that, kids are mean when you talk different. that summer we moved to a house on the banks of the Mississippi River, that's when I made my first pair of cutoffs and I have been wearing short shorts ever since even though I was still shy.
Being shy has always held me back, in school I would never raise my hand in class, I would never go to the black board, I would not ask the teachers for help, I would not even do my home work because I was embarrassed to ask my parents for help and I never went to any school dances.
This was the same all through the navy, same but different. I do not know how I made it, not only was I shy, I was scared, scared to be hurt, scared to be embarrassed, just scared of a lot of things, I never told anybody what music I liked because because I didn't want them to laugh at me for liking the girl music I have always liked.
So when I look back at all this it is easy to see why it took me so long to figure out that I was TS, there was no way back then that I would have talked to anybody or asked anybody about why I liked to wear girls clothes, I never told my wife about it, she found out on her own, her threats to tell my friends and the navy was more than enough to keep me at bay for a long time, we split in 2003 that's when I moved to Arizona, I guess I didn't do anything then because I was working on getting my life back together, to tell the truth I did not even know why I was living, all I was doing was keeping my miserable life going, for what, I had no real friends, lived alone, had no where to go, there was really no reason for living.
Anyway kind of getting off the subject, this blog was in response to a reply I got to a post I put on a Yahoo group, why it took me so long to figure out I am a transsexual.
I think you can see that I was shy and scared, I have just been a big baby all my life, when I first found out I could afford the SRS, that's all I wanted, why did I have to dress 7/24, I was still scared but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it and I was going to do what ever it took because I knew it was right. A lot has happened in the last year, I will do an end of year blog, the people that know me now probably have no idea what I was like before, I am out and open, I am ready to live the rest of my life, I am not scared anymore, I am still a little shy but working on that too, give me another year and I hope that will be gone too.
Love Susan
Friday, December 18, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Neighbors
Ever since i moved in to my little house in BFE I have been a loner, not that I really wanted to be but the way I dressed it was better that way, I just did not think that my neighbors would like me, I have only been to one house in 6 years, Friday night I was invited over to one of the neighbors houses for a little get together Saturday night, these are people I have only talked to a few times over two years as that other person and have always been nice, I was going to go for sure.
So I arrived a little late, was not sure of the time to be there, anyway I walked in to the living room to five women and three men, once I was introduced I realized I knew three of the other people besides the hosts, they are members of the water board, I had never talked to them about anything other than water related stuff. after I was given a glass of wine I sat down with the ladies and worked my way into the small talk, after I was there about 45 minutes the guys went outside to start a fire, not too long later the hostess asked me "So Susan what's going on with you?" I had told her a little bit on Friday but she wanted to hear the rest of the story, I had already thought about this for the last day so I was ready and would have been disappointed had I not been able to, I started telling about myself and how I started, how I knew, about HBSOC, where I am at with my transition and my plans, Oh and hows it's going for me, some of the women knew a little bit about Transgender and others knew nothing, when the guys came in we got off track but got back to it a little later, when I had a one on one talk with the lady sitting next to me I noticed the hostess listing intently, the lady thanked me for talking about it so openly and I thanked her for letting me talk about it.
I was there four and a half hours and had a really nice time, I hope to be invited to more things like that, I think I looked good and my whole presentation was good, it does not get any better than that.
Susan
PS I have now been on hormones for 9 months.
So I arrived a little late, was not sure of the time to be there, anyway I walked in to the living room to five women and three men, once I was introduced I realized I knew three of the other people besides the hosts, they are members of the water board, I had never talked to them about anything other than water related stuff. after I was given a glass of wine I sat down with the ladies and worked my way into the small talk, after I was there about 45 minutes the guys went outside to start a fire, not too long later the hostess asked me "So Susan what's going on with you?" I had told her a little bit on Friday but she wanted to hear the rest of the story, I had already thought about this for the last day so I was ready and would have been disappointed had I not been able to, I started telling about myself and how I started, how I knew, about HBSOC, where I am at with my transition and my plans, Oh and hows it's going for me, some of the women knew a little bit about Transgender and others knew nothing, when the guys came in we got off track but got back to it a little later, when I had a one on one talk with the lady sitting next to me I noticed the hostess listing intently, the lady thanked me for talking about it so openly and I thanked her for letting me talk about it.
I was there four and a half hours and had a really nice time, I hope to be invited to more things like that, I think I looked good and my whole presentation was good, it does not get any better than that.
Susan
PS I have now been on hormones for 9 months.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
WHY
why have I not been blogging much lately, well there is not much to blog about, dressing is an every day thing now so not a big deal, hormone changes are so slow that there is not much to write about, work has not been a problem, there is one thing but I will write about that later.
Why I have not been going out more, that's simple, no money honey, I am saving up for the big operation and electrolysis so not much left to play with, it's hard, I want to buy so much, I don't have winter clothing and I want to go places and do things but it's just going to have to wait for a year or two.
Why am I having a problem finding a friend to hang out with, is it because I live in BFE, is it because I don't go out much, I do go out more now than ever before. I have never been able to meet people on line, I am not a very good writer, never have been and when you can't write something witty people don't seem to be interested in you.
Why is it I feel like I did in high school, the emotions I have been having in the last flew months are tearing me up, things friends say or don't say, things friends do and don't do, I am really sensitive to every thing and it's not some thing they are doing wrong although it would be nice if they could be a little more sensitive to me until I learn how to handle this.
Why do I cry myself to sleep some nights, for things I can't have, other than that I can't talk about it here. there are somethings you can't blog about.
I thought I had more whys but I guess not, It may seem that I am having problems but I am OK, this has been the best year in a very long time for me and I hope it will get better, I changed the date of my surgery from July to June, so in six months and one week I will be leaving for Thailand.
I am happy with my breasts, I can actually fill out some of my tops now, I never thought I would like them so much, they are wonderful.
See things are Great.
OK I am done for now talk to you later.
Love Susan
Why I have not been going out more, that's simple, no money honey, I am saving up for the big operation and electrolysis so not much left to play with, it's hard, I want to buy so much, I don't have winter clothing and I want to go places and do things but it's just going to have to wait for a year or two.
Why am I having a problem finding a friend to hang out with, is it because I live in BFE, is it because I don't go out much, I do go out more now than ever before. I have never been able to meet people on line, I am not a very good writer, never have been and when you can't write something witty people don't seem to be interested in you.
Why is it I feel like I did in high school, the emotions I have been having in the last flew months are tearing me up, things friends say or don't say, things friends do and don't do, I am really sensitive to every thing and it's not some thing they are doing wrong although it would be nice if they could be a little more sensitive to me until I learn how to handle this.
Why do I cry myself to sleep some nights, for things I can't have, other than that I can't talk about it here. there are somethings you can't blog about.
I thought I had more whys but I guess not, It may seem that I am having problems but I am OK, this has been the best year in a very long time for me and I hope it will get better, I changed the date of my surgery from July to June, so in six months and one week I will be leaving for Thailand.
I am happy with my breasts, I can actually fill out some of my tops now, I never thought I would like them so much, they are wonderful.
See things are Great.
OK I am done for now talk to you later.
Love Susan
Monday, November 9, 2009
How do I look
I have been talking to the ex wife lately mostly about paper work, I had to send her some papers and I sent her some pictures of me because she said she was ready to see what I look like now, so she got the pictures on Saturday and today we had to talk about more paper work and when we were done I asked her how do I look? well she did not say anything bad but she did not say anything good either, my hair is too long, I need to cover my arms, too much blue on my eyes so it makes me wonder, do my friends tell what I want to hear because they don't want to hurt my feelings are they telling me the truth, I know I am talking about the ex wife and why should I listen to her but I listen to every body and then I do what I like anyway but I still like to know what people think about how I look, it is the only way I can get better.
Yesterday I went to the swap meet then to breakfast and I walked around and across the London Bridge, I had no problems, did not even notice anybody looking at me so I must be doing something right and I love it and I feel good, that's what matters.
Yesterday I went to the swap meet then to breakfast and I walked around and across the London Bridge, I had no problems, did not even notice anybody looking at me so I must be doing something right and I love it and I feel good, that's what matters.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Hormone Update and a little TMI
I guess it is about time to do a hormone update, I have been on hormones now for 8 months, I just took my measurements and it is like nothing has changed, I must have gotten used to the skin softness because it feels normal now, the hair is the same no change, my little boobs are looking better but I don't see any change in size, the only thing that seems different is that I can cry any time I see anybody else crying.
The biggest change has nothing to do with hormones and that is the nose, it has been a little over 5 weeks ago now, the swelling is still going down, most people don't even see it, the first time I noticed my self feeling better about it was sitting in my truck at a light, I was not self conscious about the person in the car next to me looking at my profile, I could actually turn my head and look around, a good feeling.
People tell me I am looking good, I know the pictures people take of me seem to be looking better all the time but I can't tell what it is that is changing, I am sure it is a combination of every thing, the hormones, electrolysis, the nose, hair, and makeup. I look at pictures of other girls when they started out, when they still looked like a guy in a dress and I look at the same girls now after transition and I wonder what was the turning point, when did they start looking more like a woman than a man, did they feel the same way about their transition like I do now.
I got he-she'd yesterday at pet smart, it was very fast but I noticed it, I didn't feel bad or anything, she just made a mistake but it did remind me that I may never pass which is OK cause I under stand that.
TMI part
Sexual function still works but is becoming harder to do, when I do think about it which was only once this month it still worked, felt good even with the tiny amount of clear cum that came out.
It would seem now I am more interested in having a really close friend than having sexual partner, somebody to love.
I think I have covered every thing, life is good, work is good, no real big problems I can't live with. Susan
The biggest change has nothing to do with hormones and that is the nose, it has been a little over 5 weeks ago now, the swelling is still going down, most people don't even see it, the first time I noticed my self feeling better about it was sitting in my truck at a light, I was not self conscious about the person in the car next to me looking at my profile, I could actually turn my head and look around, a good feeling.
People tell me I am looking good, I know the pictures people take of me seem to be looking better all the time but I can't tell what it is that is changing, I am sure it is a combination of every thing, the hormones, electrolysis, the nose, hair, and makeup. I look at pictures of other girls when they started out, when they still looked like a guy in a dress and I look at the same girls now after transition and I wonder what was the turning point, when did they start looking more like a woman than a man, did they feel the same way about their transition like I do now.
I got he-she'd yesterday at pet smart, it was very fast but I noticed it, I didn't feel bad or anything, she just made a mistake but it did remind me that I may never pass which is OK cause I under stand that.
TMI part
Sexual function still works but is becoming harder to do, when I do think about it which was only once this month it still worked, felt good even with the tiny amount of clear cum that came out.
It would seem now I am more interested in having a really close friend than having sexual partner, somebody to love.
I think I have covered every thing, life is good, work is good, no real big problems I can't live with. Susan
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
How do I forgive myself
One of the worst things about a four hour drive home alone is that I have too much time to think, on the way home Sunday night I was thinking about something I think about a lot.
I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done to my life, I know people say get over it, it's done, you can't do anything about the past so just get over it, well I wish it was that easy.
In 1979 I got married, I did not want to but I did because I got drunk one night and proposed, I am a very stubborn person, when I say I am going to do something I do it, I never thought it would last, I thought she would be gone within the year, that didn't happen, I rejoined the navy, didn't think she would last through that but she did, you are probably asking why I didn't leave, I would have had to have been a man to do that, I was scared of the divorce and what she would do to me.
I would like to have had kids but because I didn't think it would last I was not going to have kids with her but mostly because I did not like her.
How could I do this, how could I screw up both our life's, this is what I can not forget or get over, 25 years gone, it may have not gone any better if I have not married but it would have been my life I screwed up and it would have been my chose, I am so stupid, I know I should not think like this but I do and nothing seems to change that, life will go on, my new life helps a little but it also makes things worse because of the 25 years lost.
Life goes on and so will I.
I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done to my life, I know people say get over it, it's done, you can't do anything about the past so just get over it, well I wish it was that easy.
In 1979 I got married, I did not want to but I did because I got drunk one night and proposed, I am a very stubborn person, when I say I am going to do something I do it, I never thought it would last, I thought she would be gone within the year, that didn't happen, I rejoined the navy, didn't think she would last through that but she did, you are probably asking why I didn't leave, I would have had to have been a man to do that, I was scared of the divorce and what she would do to me.
I would like to have had kids but because I didn't think it would last I was not going to have kids with her but mostly because I did not like her.
How could I do this, how could I screw up both our life's, this is what I can not forget or get over, 25 years gone, it may have not gone any better if I have not married but it would have been my life I screwed up and it would have been my chose, I am so stupid, I know I should not think like this but I do and nothing seems to change that, life will go on, my new life helps a little but it also makes things worse because of the 25 years lost.
Life goes on and so will I.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Living with Feelings
I really screwed up this weekend, I have always been told to trust my feeling, well I acted on them this weekend and I hurt somebody very dear to me and I hurt myself too, how could I have been so wrong, how could I miss read my feeling so badly, I don't know what to do about this, if I can't trust my feelings any more how am I going to know how to be with anyone, I am just lost.
I will not blame this on hormones, that seems like an excuse to me even though my prescription was doubled last time in Phoenix.
I have found myself jealous of things other people do, it just seems to me that everybody has friends that they can go out and do things with, yes I do live in BFE and that changes things a little but I will drive into town any time something is going on, I go every where in town and do what I need to do but I don't go out to eat or go to bars by myself, it seems so sad to sit in a restaurant by yourself, these are things that I would not do before I started transition.
I like my friends in the GLBT group, they are all nice people but I don't seem to fit in, I don't have anything in common which makes it hard for me to talk to them. I am not Gay, Lesbian or Bi, sometimes I don't even think I am heterosexual, I would have to have some kind of relationship for that.
It's because of the above things that I will be backing off for awhile, hopefully I will be able to set my head on straight, I will be staying off face-book, it is just too painful for me.
I don't have the communication skills to meet people on line, I don't know what to say most of the time and a lot of what I read I have no idea what they are talking about.
I am not backing off my transition, right now it's the only thing that makes me feel good, I have found that feeling bad hurts my self confidence big time, I have also had a lot of looks lately, most of the time I don't care but when you are feeling bad it make it hard to take, some TG's think that you should not even come out until you are done with transition or you can pass most of the time, that would be a long time to never for me so that's not going to happen.
I will be back when my head gets straight, well that will never happen but you know what I mean. Susan
I will not blame this on hormones, that seems like an excuse to me even though my prescription was doubled last time in Phoenix.
I have found myself jealous of things other people do, it just seems to me that everybody has friends that they can go out and do things with, yes I do live in BFE and that changes things a little but I will drive into town any time something is going on, I go every where in town and do what I need to do but I don't go out to eat or go to bars by myself, it seems so sad to sit in a restaurant by yourself, these are things that I would not do before I started transition.
I like my friends in the GLBT group, they are all nice people but I don't seem to fit in, I don't have anything in common which makes it hard for me to talk to them. I am not Gay, Lesbian or Bi, sometimes I don't even think I am heterosexual, I would have to have some kind of relationship for that.
It's because of the above things that I will be backing off for awhile, hopefully I will be able to set my head on straight, I will be staying off face-book, it is just too painful for me.
I don't have the communication skills to meet people on line, I don't know what to say most of the time and a lot of what I read I have no idea what they are talking about.
I am not backing off my transition, right now it's the only thing that makes me feel good, I have found that feeling bad hurts my self confidence big time, I have also had a lot of looks lately, most of the time I don't care but when you are feeling bad it make it hard to take, some TG's think that you should not even come out until you are done with transition or you can pass most of the time, that would be a long time to never for me so that's not going to happen.
I will be back when my head gets straight, well that will never happen but you know what I mean. Susan
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