Getting up to date

I am a little behind on keeping this blog up to date so I will just go over what I have done in the last month.

Got back to the U.S on June 29th, Marie and Loanne met me at Planet Hollywood, we didn't have a lot of time but we did go out to eat and had a nice time.

The next day we left around 11am, I had to be home cause I had a preop appointment at 4pm in Havasu, would have liked to stay in Vegas a little longer, I want to go back there to do some shopping when I have money.

Tried to go to my appointment but on my way in to town I got a call canceling it, I finally got it done 3 appointments later on the next Monday.

Think all I did the rest of the week was rest up and I did start walking to help getting back into shape.

Friday was the other big day I had been waiting for the last 3 months, I drove down to Marie's house and then she drove me down to the surgery center for my BA, not sure how long I was there, I think about 3 hours of course I don't remember much because of the drugs, Marie picked me up from recovery and took me back to her house where I stayed for a few hours before I felt good enough to drive home, there was no pain just a little bit sore and I know I was not supposed to drive but I felt fine, I love Marie but there is no place like home, the next two days were resting only, Monday all I had to do was go in and get my new boobs checked out and the ace bandage off which was replaced with a sports bra, this was the first I got to look at my 600cc boobs, wow they are so big, so high and tight, in a few months they will be much nicer.

The next day I went for a lab test to check my hormones and then I went for Taco Tuesday at Marie's, Friday was my second post op with the doctor, this whole week I was so tired from the surgery, all I did at home was lay a round, the next week was about the same thing with Taco's on Tuesday and another check up on the boobs. oh one more thing I did go to see my work doctor for my permission to go back to work slip which I got with no problem, I just have to go back to see him after working for 2 weeks.

The last week I went to Phoenix for more electrolysis (never ends) I have not had any in two months so I thought it may be a little harder but 40 hours that sucked, it's a good job I like the people or I would hate it.

Saw my hormone doctor for a check up on that and went to see my hair person on Thursday after electrolysis.

Went to a friends house on Thursday had pizza and talked, a really nice evening.

Got home Friday afternoon and stayed home all weekend to rest up for my first shift back at work in 2 months.

My ex-wife called me on Sunday with some good news, she got remarried which means no more support payments to her, this is something I never thought would happen.

My first shift went good, we only had one call which was a roll over so I did not have much hard work to do, sat around and caught up on EMS courses on the computer.
Nobody has asked me anything about my surgery's all they ask is how I am doing, I don't think I want to know what they say behind my back.

That petty much brings us up to date, I just completed my second shift back at work with no problems so I think I am good to go and there should be no new problems unless I make them, my SRS is healing good as is my BA, the next few months I will be trying to get back in shape, saving money for my next appointment for face lift in January and of course electrolysis.

Feeling Special

Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 9:21pm

I have had the feeling of being special for the last 6 or 8 months and I do feel special still but now it's changed and really has nothing to do with SRS, these things were changing before, I guess we are in a state of constant change and more so with our special circumstances, I know that I am here in a concentrated point where many of us come for surgery and I could expect to meet many other girls like myself but after being here for about 2 weeks and meeting so many beautiful people I don't feel so special anymore, I feel normal, although we will always be special because it takes a special kind of person to go through what we do.

The One Year Report

One year on hormones, I wish I could say the year went bye fast but it didn't, if it wasn't for being so busy I would have gone nuts, ops already there.

So what have hormones done for me? well that depends on what day you ask me, I saw a picture of my self the other day that I looked like I did before I started this and then two days before that I got dressed to go out and looking in the mirror I looked so hot, so how do I tell you what has changed.

Just the facts mam, what I know for sure is not much, the first six months very little changed, I got the mounds behind the nipples and my skin got softer, I am not sure if I got more sensitive from the hormones or if it was because now it was OK to show my feelings.

After my nose surgery is when things seemed like they kicked in, the lab tests had showed that my testosterone and estrogen were at the same levels but then after the surgery the testosterone dropped down to near nothing, where they should have been all along, this is when I started to notice that my breasts seemed to have grown, the reason I say seemed is because I stopped wearing the breast forms and found real bras that fit, I check my measurements every month and they just don't change, my weight does not change, I can see a difference now, it is so slow, it's a real test of patience, in the last month I did notice a one inch drop in chest size, not breast, chest which is maybe why they look a little bigger.

Body hair did nothing until maybe month nine, that's when I noticed it getting less and lighter in color, now it's even better, I can go all week and not shave if I want, before it was every day.

When I look at my old pictures I can see that I have changed but I can't tell you what has changed, I just know that I look different and much better.

The biggest change I think is in my life, it's not just that I am busy with my transition but I am busy with my life now, I go out and do things, the last four days off I was out every day, this did not happen before, I could easily spend four days at home by myself and all this is only now possible because I can be me.

I have been working on transition now for fourteen months, I know I have a long way to go and a lot to learn, even though I feel more comfortable now when I go out compared to my old life I get nervous around groups of women, I still don't feel worthy to be there with them, I think that will come in time as I go out more.

I have no regrets so far, don't expect any, life gets better and better and I am enjoying the ride. 91 days until SRS, I can't wait.

Susan

Oh I forgot, Electrolysis is on going, does this ever end? going by the last year this has to be the worst part about transition for me, it hurts, drains the bank and takes forever, I don't think I will ever be done.

IS IT POSSIBLE?

Is it possible that the reason that it took so long for me to realize my real self was due to very high testosterone levels? because when I was young I was just like the young guys here at work, they are such males in every way, I remember being like that, I was a little dick head, I really was and at the time it was just me being male,is that what repressed my female feelings, I don't know, I was just going to forget why this all happened the way it did but I was just sitting here watching the guys and these thoughts came to me so I wrote them down, I will never know for sure but I am happy that it did finely happen.

Transgender Groups

When I first started looking into this new life that I was about to get into I had a hard time finding the right web sites and I think some of the ones I went to were not the best, when you don't know anybody and have nobody to ask that you can trust you just have to go by what sounds the best, I searched the phone book and the web for a month before I found enough information to get started, was it right, no I made some wrong choices because that's all I had to go on and I think it cost me money and time.

So the purpose of this is just to say that there are too many groups out there that have a lot of different information which is confusing to somebody new, why are there so many groups, I think you would be better if we were all at least a member of one common group for political purposes and a central place to go to for correct information, you could still have your own local groups because I know everybody thinks different and there are so many egos out there. I know people that don't like HRC because of what happened in I think 2007, people just get over it and lets make it work.

A big group has more power than a lot of small groups unless we were all members of all the big groups.

That's just my thoughts on the subject, it sure would have been nice to find the right information right away when I first started, I still don't know what is the best hormone regime to follow and if somebody told me now I wouldn't know if I should believe them or not.

OK I have to quit now, this could go on forever. Susan T-Girls Rule

2009

2009 was a very big year for me perhaps my biggest ever, this was the year when I started my transition, I would have started 2 months earlier right after I realized what I am but I had some things I needed to clear up before I could start.

I made my first appointments with my therapist, I was driving about 2 times a month to Phoenix so I could get the letter for hormones and really get started on my physical transition, that was done by the end of February which means I have been on hormones now for 10 months.

I also started early in January working on my new wardrobe, something I will be working on the rest of my life and loving it. I never once went to Phoenix in boy mode.

I think January was when I started going to Starbucks for coffee with the local GLBT group, I will never forget walking in there the first time, it was the first time in full dress, I was shaking so bad and all I did was sit down at a table with BOB, wow how things have changed.

April and May is when I did my coming out,this was done so soon because I was driving around this small town and I knew that I was going to be seen real soon so I thought I would do it under my own terms. I did not really have any friends that I had to come out to(how sad is that) so it was work first which was not as hard as I thought it would be and then I came out to my family in England, coming out for me was one of the best things I have ever done, it lets me be me.

May is when I started my name change and was done on June 9th, I am still finding things that have my old name on them, what a pain.

Electrolysis was started in January also and was worked on all year, I am up to about 130 hours with many more to go.

In September I had my nose job, that nose had given me a hard time for over over 35 years, not only does it look better but more important it's the way it makes me feel about myself that makes the biggest difference, it also helps in the passing I think mostly from not attracting attention to me.

I think it was September when I made my appointment for GRS, it seemed like so long away back then but I moved the date up a month when I was given the chance and now it's 5 months away, I can't wait.

I have made a lot of new friends this year who have made this transition easier for me. I would like to thank Marie and Billie for all their support.

I have found out that I can still love and I still have feeling and boy do I have feeling, I don't remmber the last day when I had dry eyes, it's all good.

I have been living full time now for about 8 months (from when I came out), it feels normal for me to be dressed as a woman and that's because I have always been one inside.

This was also the first year I have ever written a blog, in fact I have written more this year than in my whole life, I did slow down a little on the blogs but that is because what I was doing had become the norm and there was nothing new to write about, all this was new to me.

I have had some problems but nothing bad, I have had a great year, this was the year when I started living again.

I think I covered everything, I am still open about everything and if you ever want to ask questions go ahead, I am always ready to talk about my new life.

Happy New Year. Susan

Hormone Update and a little TMI

I guess it is about time to do a hormone update, I have been on hormones now for 8 months, I just took my measurements and it is like nothing has changed, I must have gotten used to the skin softness because it feels normal now, the hair is the same no change, my little boobs are looking better but I don't see any change in size, the only thing that seems different is that I can cry any time I see anybody else crying.

The biggest change has nothing to do with hormones and that is the nose, it has been a little over 5 weeks ago now, the swelling is still going down, most people don't even see it, the first time I noticed my self feeling better about it was sitting in my truck at a light, I was not self conscious about the person in the car next to me looking at my profile, I could actually turn my head and look around, a good feeling.

People tell me I am looking good, I know the pictures people take of me seem to be looking better all the time but I can't tell what it is that is changing, I am sure it is a combination of every thing, the hormones, electrolysis, the nose, hair, and makeup. I look at pictures of other girls when they started out, when they still looked like a guy in a dress and I look at the same girls now after transition and I wonder what was the turning point, when did they start looking more like a woman than a man, did they feel the same way about their transition like I do now.
I got he-she'd yesterday at pet smart, it was very fast but I noticed it, I didn't feel bad or anything, she just made a mistake but it did remind me that I may never pass which is OK cause I under stand that.

TMI part
Sexual function still works but is becoming harder to do, when I do think about it which was only once this month it still worked, felt good even with the tiny amount of clear cum that came out.
It would seem now I am more interested in having a really close friend than having sexual partner, somebody to love.

I think I have covered every thing, life is good, work is good, no real big problems I can't live with. Susan

Living with Feelings

I really screwed up this weekend, I have always been told to trust my feeling, well I acted on them this weekend and I hurt somebody very dear to me and I hurt myself too, how could I have been so wrong, how could I miss read my feeling so badly, I don't know what to do about this, if I can't trust my feelings any more how am I going to know how to be with anyone, I am just lost.

I will not blame this on hormones, that seems like an excuse to me even though my prescription was doubled last time in Phoenix.

I have found myself jealous of things other people do, it just seems to me that everybody has friends that they can go out and do things with, yes I do live in BFE and that changes things a little but I will drive into town any time something is going on, I go every where in town and do what I need to do but I don't go out to eat or go to bars by myself, it seems so sad to sit in a restaurant by yourself, these are things that I would not do before I started transition.

I like my friends in the GLBT group, they are all nice people but I don't seem to fit in, I don't have anything in common which makes it hard for me to talk to them. I am not Gay, Lesbian or Bi, sometimes I don't even think I am heterosexual, I would have to have some kind of relationship for that.

It's because of the above things that I will be backing off for awhile, hopefully I will be able to set my head on straight, I will be staying off face-book, it is just too painful for me.

I don't have the communication skills to meet people on line, I don't know what to say most of the time and a lot of what I read I have no idea what they are talking about.

I am not backing off my transition, right now it's the only thing that makes me feel good, I have found that feeling bad hurts my self confidence big time, I have also had a lot of looks lately, most of the time I don't care but when you are feeling bad it make it hard to take, some TG's think that you should not even come out until you are done with transition or you can pass most of the time, that would be a long time to never for me so that's not going to happen.

I will be back when my head gets straight, well that will never happen but you know what I mean. Susan