What is the purpose of blogs? I have to keep asking my self that, I have found that I have not been writing about certain things and people because it may cause bad feeling and make people mad at me, I don't have too many friends anyway and I don't want to loose the one's I have but if I don't tell the truth or don't say what's on my mind then that's like a lie, I know that I may be overly sensitive about a lot of things and I have too much time to think about things but that's me, it's a big part of what makes me me.
So I will say I am sorry if I upset anybody in advance, but it is the only way I can express my feeling and I just hope you can under stand, I don't mean to hurt anybody.
Susan
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Being Lonely
Being lonely is some thing I have gotten used to the last the last 6 years I have been living alone and even when I was married I remember driving home from work one night in San Diego just feeling so alone, that was ten years before I moved out.
now I have friends and that has reminded me how alone I am, It hurts more to be alone now and I don't think it's just the hormones, it's just that I was used to it, I notice when after being with my friends in town I hate to drive home cause I know I am not going to see then for a while and I just miss being with them, I go out some nights and I don't want the night to end, but of course I have to work the next day so I have to leave early.
Life is getting better just hope it keeps up Susan
now I have friends and that has reminded me how alone I am, It hurts more to be alone now and I don't think it's just the hormones, it's just that I was used to it, I notice when after being with my friends in town I hate to drive home cause I know I am not going to see then for a while and I just miss being with them, I go out some nights and I don't want the night to end, but of course I have to work the next day so I have to leave early.
Life is getting better just hope it keeps up Susan
Monday, June 22, 2009
Busy Week
Talk about a busy week, wow last week I worked Monday then Tuesday I went to check out another councilor here in Havasu, after that I came home got my things and drove to Phoenix, I had an appointment with Maria on Wednesday and Thursday to get about 20 hours of electrolysis done, well on Wednesday I had 12 total hours and Thursday 19 total hours, I have never been through anything like that before, here in Havasu I only have 2 hours a session, I may have around 8 sessions like that.
Every body there is so nice, my eyes tear up every time I think about them, can't wait to go back in August.
Friday I started out going to the Cosmetic Surgical Art Center for a consult with Dr Marouk to see about my fixing my nose, upper lip and nipples, another bunch of nice people, I hope I have enough money to go there. After that I went and got a new military ID card with my new name and so I could change my military medical and dental cards also, This was the only time I have been nervous in months, just being around military for the first time dressed I guess but nothing to worry about again, the only thing bad was is that my face was swollen up so bad for the electrolysis I had to get the picture that way on the ID card, oh well nobody see's that one anyway. after that I went to Hats Off Hair Styles to see Nancy, I need help with the hair or the lack of it, well we are going to come up with something for my unique needs. the last stop before heading home was something I had added to the schedule and that was getting permanent eyeliner at A Permanent Image with Mary, so more needles again, I must like getting poked, looks kind of neat, I don't know what the chief is going to say about it cause I am bending the rules a little, a little advice, don't drive 4 hours after wards, it's hard on the eyes.
So that's all I did last week, I worked all weekend and today I helped Marie move some stuff and after that doing paper work and calling places to change my name on cards.
I just want to thank Jen again for letting me stay with her in Phoenix, it makes all the difference having a friend like that who is going through the same things, plus we got to talk, watch movies and we watched Donna Rose's Story one night which was real nice because I was just finishing her book, Thanks Jen.
Susan
Every body there is so nice, my eyes tear up every time I think about them, can't wait to go back in August.
Friday I started out going to the Cosmetic Surgical Art Center for a consult with Dr Marouk to see about my fixing my nose, upper lip and nipples, another bunch of nice people, I hope I have enough money to go there. After that I went and got a new military ID card with my new name and so I could change my military medical and dental cards also, This was the only time I have been nervous in months, just being around military for the first time dressed I guess but nothing to worry about again, the only thing bad was is that my face was swollen up so bad for the electrolysis I had to get the picture that way on the ID card, oh well nobody see's that one anyway. after that I went to Hats Off Hair Styles to see Nancy, I need help with the hair or the lack of it, well we are going to come up with something for my unique needs. the last stop before heading home was something I had added to the schedule and that was getting permanent eyeliner at A Permanent Image with Mary, so more needles again, I must like getting poked, looks kind of neat, I don't know what the chief is going to say about it cause I am bending the rules a little, a little advice, don't drive 4 hours after wards, it's hard on the eyes.
So that's all I did last week, I worked all weekend and today I helped Marie move some stuff and after that doing paper work and calling places to change my name on cards.
I just want to thank Jen again for letting me stay with her in Phoenix, it makes all the difference having a friend like that who is going through the same things, plus we got to talk, watch movies and we watched Donna Rose's Story one night which was real nice because I was just finishing her book, Thanks Jen.
Susan
Monday, June 15, 2009
Thinking like a women
I have asked people before if these hormones would ever make me feel like I was a women, then I was thinking the other day who knows how a women really thinks and that's when it came to me, I think like a women now, I always have, what I should have been asking is what does a man think like, it is just so simple, I was looking for something to change in me that was all ready here.
Shock and Disbelief
Last Friday night the Lieutenant on my shift at the fire department committed suicide at home, I can't tell you why but the reasons would have made me contemplate it if it had been me, It was petty bad. I had known him for maybe 4 years, I didn't hang out with him off work as I don't hang out with anybody from work, so I really did not know him on a personal basis even though we live together for 48 hours a shift we don't get real personal. It really didn't bother me that much, I have always been cold that way, I get more upset when watching a movie or something, I thought that the hormones would change the way I feel but I feel no different, I am shocked and still in disbelief, I only worked with him 3 days before, there was no indications that anything like this was on his mind just such a waste, I don't know what else to say.
Susan
Susan
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
What's going on
I have not done a blog for a while cause I just don't know how to write some things, but I need to get something down.
The only bad stuff is at work, there are three guys here who have gone into the office and told management that they don't want to work with or near me when I start looking more like a women, I don't know much more than that because they wont tell me anymore and they wont say who which I under stand and the there guys wont talk to me about it, so I am wondering if I should slow down a bit or just go on like I was. that's one thing I have been thinking about, on to the next thing.
When we are sitting around the table at work we talk about every thing, well one thing that they talk about is when they were at each others house or at a bar and calling each other to go out and party, what they don't realize is that it hurts me, I know why they don't ask me or call me and this is not something new, this was even before the TG thing, it's just that it seem to bother me more now, just had to say it.
Marie and myself had a good time in Phoenix last week, we talked all the way there and that makes the drive go a lot better, we stopped to see Maria to see about getting more electrolysis done, then to Mary, after that we ate and then went to group with Mary and the other Girls, then back home. It was not as long trip as last time but it is still too long.
I have not been out much lately even though I want to, I was just going to say I was trying to save money but it's more like I don't have any body to go out with and even when I am out I just don't meet people easy, and I know I will never meet people sitting at home, I only live 15 miles out of town but it may as well be 100, you can't just jump in your car when you get the urge.
I got a new 2 piece swim suit last week, it even fits the little boobs I have, I have pictures for you but I am at work and can't post them from here so I will add them when I get home tomorrow after going to dental for a cleaning.
I am going to check out a counselor here in town in about two weeks so I may not have to go to Phoenix as much if they work out.
I have paper work from two SRS doctors that I have been reading, I have a consultation with one of them on the 6th of next month and after that I will make my decision where I am going to go.
other that that I have been working on my shed, my house boat and watching you tube videos on doing makeup.
Not much going on with the hormones, still don't feel any different, the only thing I see is that the boobs are changing slowly, so I am maybe thinking about checking out another doctor to see what they say.
I didn't think I would be this busy, I think I thought I would just see my therapist, doctor and go to electrolysis once a month and that would be it but not so, I am always doing something to do with my new life and that's a good thing.
see you somewhere. Susan
The only bad stuff is at work, there are three guys here who have gone into the office and told management that they don't want to work with or near me when I start looking more like a women, I don't know much more than that because they wont tell me anymore and they wont say who which I under stand and the there guys wont talk to me about it, so I am wondering if I should slow down a bit or just go on like I was. that's one thing I have been thinking about, on to the next thing.
When we are sitting around the table at work we talk about every thing, well one thing that they talk about is when they were at each others house or at a bar and calling each other to go out and party, what they don't realize is that it hurts me, I know why they don't ask me or call me and this is not something new, this was even before the TG thing, it's just that it seem to bother me more now, just had to say it.
Marie and myself had a good time in Phoenix last week, we talked all the way there and that makes the drive go a lot better, we stopped to see Maria to see about getting more electrolysis done, then to Mary, after that we ate and then went to group with Mary and the other Girls, then back home. It was not as long trip as last time but it is still too long.
I have not been out much lately even though I want to, I was just going to say I was trying to save money but it's more like I don't have any body to go out with and even when I am out I just don't meet people easy, and I know I will never meet people sitting at home, I only live 15 miles out of town but it may as well be 100, you can't just jump in your car when you get the urge.
I got a new 2 piece swim suit last week, it even fits the little boobs I have, I have pictures for you but I am at work and can't post them from here so I will add them when I get home tomorrow after going to dental for a cleaning.
I am going to check out a counselor here in town in about two weeks so I may not have to go to Phoenix as much if they work out.
I have paper work from two SRS doctors that I have been reading, I have a consultation with one of them on the 6th of next month and after that I will make my decision where I am going to go.
other that that I have been working on my shed, my house boat and watching you tube videos on doing makeup.
Not much going on with the hormones, still don't feel any different, the only thing I see is that the boobs are changing slowly, so I am maybe thinking about checking out another doctor to see what they say.
I didn't think I would be this busy, I think I thought I would just see my therapist, doctor and go to electrolysis once a month and that would be it but not so, I am always doing something to do with my new life and that's a good thing.
see you somewhere. Susan
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The name
Some thing happened to other day that surprised me, one of the guys from work that get freaked out by me wearing makeup at work called me for some thing to do with work, I answered the phone in my best female voice and he said is this Susan and I said yes, That is the first time any body at work has called me by my female name and it was surprised that it was him, I am going to work on him with the makeup.
That's all Susan
That's all Susan
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