The One Year Report

One year on hormones, I wish I could say the year went bye fast but it didn't, if it wasn't for being so busy I would have gone nuts, ops already there.

So what have hormones done for me? well that depends on what day you ask me, I saw a picture of my self the other day that I looked like I did before I started this and then two days before that I got dressed to go out and looking in the mirror I looked so hot, so how do I tell you what has changed.

Just the facts mam, what I know for sure is not much, the first six months very little changed, I got the mounds behind the nipples and my skin got softer, I am not sure if I got more sensitive from the hormones or if it was because now it was OK to show my feelings.

After my nose surgery is when things seemed like they kicked in, the lab tests had showed that my testosterone and estrogen were at the same levels but then after the surgery the testosterone dropped down to near nothing, where they should have been all along, this is when I started to notice that my breasts seemed to have grown, the reason I say seemed is because I stopped wearing the breast forms and found real bras that fit, I check my measurements every month and they just don't change, my weight does not change, I can see a difference now, it is so slow, it's a real test of patience, in the last month I did notice a one inch drop in chest size, not breast, chest which is maybe why they look a little bigger.

Body hair did nothing until maybe month nine, that's when I noticed it getting less and lighter in color, now it's even better, I can go all week and not shave if I want, before it was every day.

When I look at my old pictures I can see that I have changed but I can't tell you what has changed, I just know that I look different and much better.

The biggest change I think is in my life, it's not just that I am busy with my transition but I am busy with my life now, I go out and do things, the last four days off I was out every day, this did not happen before, I could easily spend four days at home by myself and all this is only now possible because I can be me.

I have been working on transition now for fourteen months, I know I have a long way to go and a lot to learn, even though I feel more comfortable now when I go out compared to my old life I get nervous around groups of women, I still don't feel worthy to be there with them, I think that will come in time as I go out more.

I have no regrets so far, don't expect any, life gets better and better and I am enjoying the ride. 91 days until SRS, I can't wait.

Susan

Oh I forgot, Electrolysis is on going, does this ever end? going by the last year this has to be the worst part about transition for me, it hurts, drains the bank and takes forever, I don't think I will ever be done.

IS IT POSSIBLE?

Is it possible that the reason that it took so long for me to realize my real self was due to very high testosterone levels? because when I was young I was just like the young guys here at work, they are such males in every way, I remember being like that, I was a little dick head, I really was and at the time it was just me being male,is that what repressed my female feelings, I don't know, I was just going to forget why this all happened the way it did but I was just sitting here watching the guys and these thoughts came to me so I wrote them down, I will never know for sure but I am happy that it did finely happen.

Transgender Groups

When I first started looking into this new life that I was about to get into I had a hard time finding the right web sites and I think some of the ones I went to were not the best, when you don't know anybody and have nobody to ask that you can trust you just have to go by what sounds the best, I searched the phone book and the web for a month before I found enough information to get started, was it right, no I made some wrong choices because that's all I had to go on and I think it cost me money and time.

So the purpose of this is just to say that there are too many groups out there that have a lot of different information which is confusing to somebody new, why are there so many groups, I think you would be better if we were all at least a member of one common group for political purposes and a central place to go to for correct information, you could still have your own local groups because I know everybody thinks different and there are so many egos out there. I know people that don't like HRC because of what happened in I think 2007, people just get over it and lets make it work.

A big group has more power than a lot of small groups unless we were all members of all the big groups.

That's just my thoughts on the subject, it sure would have been nice to find the right information right away when I first started, I still don't know what is the best hormone regime to follow and if somebody told me now I wouldn't know if I should believe them or not.

OK I have to quit now, this could go on forever. Susan T-Girls Rule

The Day After

After I wrote the my last blog I almost went right back in and deleted it but I decided to leave it because that is the way I was feeling at the time, I have found that I learn a lot about myself just by the things I write here as I did with that blog.

After I wrote it when I was deciding to delete it or not I put my self in the other persons shoes like I do a lot, don't know why I didn't do it before I wrote it but I didn't, I thought about why I don't call some of my friends or email them, what if something had happened to them, I would never know, so I am not going to get upset when people don't call me anymore.

Another thing happened after that bad blog day and it wasn't because I wrote the blog, Friday I went out around noon for 2 hours of electrolysis then I ran some errands and then I went to a bar for one drink, the last time in the bar I had a meet a couple that were real nice and they were there again, the Lady saw me come in and came to sit with me, well I ended up having 3 drinks, a lot for me, we sat there for hours talking about everything, I had a real nice night, I even slept at their house so I wouldn't have to drive home.

The next day after I got home I didn't do too much, work that is, I talked to people on the phone, on IM and SKYPE so if I look at it that way I did get a lot done.

Sunday Valentines day, not that I cared about it being Valentines day because I don't have anybody but I had made plans to go to the swap meet then to the bar to see my new friends and watch the race, well after going to the bank and getting gas heading to the swap meet the phone rang, it was work, there were friends there from San Diego wanting to see me, so we made arrangements to meet at the Red Robin at 1pm, this got me excited because as far as I knew they did not know about me, that's because my ex wife has not told anybody back there in San Diego and didn't want me to tell anybody but my friends coming here are free game, the lunch went great, they were really happy for me and said I could stay with them anytime in San Diego.
After that I went to a friends house, they were having a garage sale, well by the time I got there they had closed up everything so we talked for about an hour then I took them for a ride in my new car(new to me).
I got to the bar around 4, my friends were still there, the race had been delayed for 2 hours, I was there for about 45 minutes then I had to go get food for work.

So maybe my communication skills are not so bad.

If I start complaining again just slap me, I have nothing to complain about.

Perception, is it just me?

I have been thinking of writing this blog for over a week now but I kind of talked myself out of it because it's very negative and I don't like to be like that but to me it's the truth, maybe just my perception.
I have not been on facebook much in the last few weeks, I haven't been to Tacos or Starbucks, it's true I have been busy but not that busy, out of all the friends on facebook I think only 3 made any kind of contact to see if I was OK, It's ok I am used to being alone and I don't need friends who just want me to help them with the games they play all the time, if that's why you asked me to be your friend then you can just take me off your list.
It always seems to me that I am the one who has to make the contact be it on line or on the phone, I have been told that's not true but I am the one that has the phone that never rings so I know.
I never seem to know what's going on, Most of the time I find out after the fact and that I know is by phone or text, some people don't seem to trust telling me things that they tell other people, one thing I needed to know.
So what this boils down to I guess is what I have had problems with all my life, that is the lack of communication skills, there is something wrong, why is it that I have these problems, it has to be me because everybody else seems to be able to talk to each other or do I put out bad vibes.