Hormone Update and a little TMI

I guess it is about time to do a hormone update, I have been on hormones now for 8 months, I just took my measurements and it is like nothing has changed, I must have gotten used to the skin softness because it feels normal now, the hair is the same no change, my little boobs are looking better but I don't see any change in size, the only thing that seems different is that I can cry any time I see anybody else crying.

The biggest change has nothing to do with hormones and that is the nose, it has been a little over 5 weeks ago now, the swelling is still going down, most people don't even see it, the first time I noticed my self feeling better about it was sitting in my truck at a light, I was not self conscious about the person in the car next to me looking at my profile, I could actually turn my head and look around, a good feeling.

People tell me I am looking good, I know the pictures people take of me seem to be looking better all the time but I can't tell what it is that is changing, I am sure it is a combination of every thing, the hormones, electrolysis, the nose, hair, and makeup. I look at pictures of other girls when they started out, when they still looked like a guy in a dress and I look at the same girls now after transition and I wonder what was the turning point, when did they start looking more like a woman than a man, did they feel the same way about their transition like I do now.
I got he-she'd yesterday at pet smart, it was very fast but I noticed it, I didn't feel bad or anything, she just made a mistake but it did remind me that I may never pass which is OK cause I under stand that.

TMI part
Sexual function still works but is becoming harder to do, when I do think about it which was only once this month it still worked, felt good even with the tiny amount of clear cum that came out.
It would seem now I am more interested in having a really close friend than having sexual partner, somebody to love.

I think I have covered every thing, life is good, work is good, no real big problems I can't live with. Susan

How do I forgive myself

One of the worst things about a four hour drive home alone is that I have too much time to think, on the way home Sunday night I was thinking about something I think about a lot.
I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done to my life, I know people say get over it, it's done, you can't do anything about the past so just get over it, well I wish it was that easy.
In 1979 I got married, I did not want to but I did because I got drunk one night and proposed, I am a very stubborn person, when I say I am going to do something I do it, I never thought it would last, I thought she would be gone within the year, that didn't happen, I rejoined the navy, didn't think she would last through that but she did, you are probably asking why I didn't leave, I would have had to have been a man to do that, I was scared of the divorce and what she would do to me.
I would like to have had kids but because I didn't think it would last I was not going to have kids with her but mostly because I did not like her.
How could I do this, how could I screw up both our life's, this is what I can not forget or get over, 25 years gone, it may have not gone any better if I have not married but it would have been my life I screwed up and it would have been my chose, I am so stupid, I know I should not think like this but I do and nothing seems to change that, life will go on, my new life helps a little but it also makes things worse because of the 25 years lost.
Life goes on and so will I.

Living with Feelings

I really screwed up this weekend, I have always been told to trust my feeling, well I acted on them this weekend and I hurt somebody very dear to me and I hurt myself too, how could I have been so wrong, how could I miss read my feeling so badly, I don't know what to do about this, if I can't trust my feelings any more how am I going to know how to be with anyone, I am just lost.

I will not blame this on hormones, that seems like an excuse to me even though my prescription was doubled last time in Phoenix.

I have found myself jealous of things other people do, it just seems to me that everybody has friends that they can go out and do things with, yes I do live in BFE and that changes things a little but I will drive into town any time something is going on, I go every where in town and do what I need to do but I don't go out to eat or go to bars by myself, it seems so sad to sit in a restaurant by yourself, these are things that I would not do before I started transition.

I like my friends in the GLBT group, they are all nice people but I don't seem to fit in, I don't have anything in common which makes it hard for me to talk to them. I am not Gay, Lesbian or Bi, sometimes I don't even think I am heterosexual, I would have to have some kind of relationship for that.

It's because of the above things that I will be backing off for awhile, hopefully I will be able to set my head on straight, I will be staying off face-book, it is just too painful for me.

I don't have the communication skills to meet people on line, I don't know what to say most of the time and a lot of what I read I have no idea what they are talking about.

I am not backing off my transition, right now it's the only thing that makes me feel good, I have found that feeling bad hurts my self confidence big time, I have also had a lot of looks lately, most of the time I don't care but when you are feeling bad it make it hard to take, some TG's think that you should not even come out until you are done with transition or you can pass most of the time, that would be a long time to never for me so that's not going to happen.

I will be back when my head gets straight, well that will never happen but you know what I mean. Susan