Shyness

This is some thing I do not talk about much but for the people that do not know me it may help to explain why it took me so long to start my transition.

Does any shy person out there know if they had been shy their whole life or did they become shy later on? for me I think I remember when I became shy, of course every body I have told this to does not believe it.

When I was around 3 years old I remember walking up to a kid to tell him that his mother wanted him, he responded by shooting me in the eye with a popgun, up until then I do not remember being shy, that's when we lived in Canada, the next thing I remember is being in school in England about 2 years later, the reason I think this happened was in my mind it made me scared to go up to anybody because of what they may do to me, I know I was so shy I would not go into a store by myself to buy anything until I was a teenager, even then I would rather have my mother or dad buy it.

I remember one day in England, my mother had to drag me to the school van, she made me wear shorts, no way did I want the other kids making fun of me in shorts, you know that old song that goes like "who wears short shorts" that how old it is about 1960, until I was 13 I lived in a small village of around 80 people, I think there were only 5 kids to play with so not a lot of interaction with others. some days I can't believe that was me that lived that life.

In 1968 we moved to the states, now I had to go to a new school system, I have no idea how I lived through that, kids are mean when you talk different. that summer we moved to a house on the banks of the Mississippi River, that's when I made my first pair of cutoffs and I have been wearing short shorts ever since even though I was still shy.

Being shy has always held me back, in school I would never raise my hand in class, I would never go to the black board, I would not ask the teachers for help, I would not even do my home work because I was embarrassed to ask my parents for help and I never went to any school dances.
This was the same all through the navy, same but different. I do not know how I made it, not only was I shy, I was scared, scared to be hurt, scared to be embarrassed, just scared of a lot of things, I never told anybody what music I liked because because I didn't want them to laugh at me for liking the girl music I have always liked.

So when I look back at all this it is easy to see why it took me so long to figure out that I was TS, there was no way back then that I would have talked to anybody or asked anybody about why I liked to wear girls clothes, I never told my wife about it, she found out on her own, her threats to tell my friends and the navy was more than enough to keep me at bay for a long time, we split in 2003 that's when I moved to Arizona, I guess I didn't do anything then because I was working on getting my life back together, to tell the truth I did not even know why I was living, all I was doing was keeping my miserable life going, for what, I had no real friends, lived alone, had no where to go, there was really no reason for living.

Anyway kind of getting off the subject, this blog was in response to a reply I got to a post I put on a Yahoo group, why it took me so long to figure out I am a transsexual.
I think you can see that I was shy and scared, I have just been a big baby all my life, when I first found out I could afford the SRS, that's all I wanted, why did I have to dress 7/24, I was still scared but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it and I was going to do what ever it took because I knew it was right. A lot has happened in the last year, I will do an end of year blog, the people that know me now probably have no idea what I was like before, I am out and open, I am ready to live the rest of my life, I am not scared anymore, I am still a little shy but working on that too, give me another year and I hope that will be gone too.

Love Susan