Shyness

This is some thing I do not talk about much but for the people that do not know me it may help to explain why it took me so long to start my transition.

Does any shy person out there know if they had been shy their whole life or did they become shy later on? for me I think I remember when I became shy, of course every body I have told this to does not believe it.

When I was around 3 years old I remember walking up to a kid to tell him that his mother wanted him, he responded by shooting me in the eye with a popgun, up until then I do not remember being shy, that's when we lived in Canada, the next thing I remember is being in school in England about 2 years later, the reason I think this happened was in my mind it made me scared to go up to anybody because of what they may do to me, I know I was so shy I would not go into a store by myself to buy anything until I was a teenager, even then I would rather have my mother or dad buy it.

I remember one day in England, my mother had to drag me to the school van, she made me wear shorts, no way did I want the other kids making fun of me in shorts, you know that old song that goes like "who wears short shorts" that how old it is about 1960, until I was 13 I lived in a small village of around 80 people, I think there were only 5 kids to play with so not a lot of interaction with others. some days I can't believe that was me that lived that life.

In 1968 we moved to the states, now I had to go to a new school system, I have no idea how I lived through that, kids are mean when you talk different. that summer we moved to a house on the banks of the Mississippi River, that's when I made my first pair of cutoffs and I have been wearing short shorts ever since even though I was still shy.

Being shy has always held me back, in school I would never raise my hand in class, I would never go to the black board, I would not ask the teachers for help, I would not even do my home work because I was embarrassed to ask my parents for help and I never went to any school dances.
This was the same all through the navy, same but different. I do not know how I made it, not only was I shy, I was scared, scared to be hurt, scared to be embarrassed, just scared of a lot of things, I never told anybody what music I liked because because I didn't want them to laugh at me for liking the girl music I have always liked.

So when I look back at all this it is easy to see why it took me so long to figure out that I was TS, there was no way back then that I would have talked to anybody or asked anybody about why I liked to wear girls clothes, I never told my wife about it, she found out on her own, her threats to tell my friends and the navy was more than enough to keep me at bay for a long time, we split in 2003 that's when I moved to Arizona, I guess I didn't do anything then because I was working on getting my life back together, to tell the truth I did not even know why I was living, all I was doing was keeping my miserable life going, for what, I had no real friends, lived alone, had no where to go, there was really no reason for living.

Anyway kind of getting off the subject, this blog was in response to a reply I got to a post I put on a Yahoo group, why it took me so long to figure out I am a transsexual.
I think you can see that I was shy and scared, I have just been a big baby all my life, when I first found out I could afford the SRS, that's all I wanted, why did I have to dress 7/24, I was still scared but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it and I was going to do what ever it took because I knew it was right. A lot has happened in the last year, I will do an end of year blog, the people that know me now probably have no idea what I was like before, I am out and open, I am ready to live the rest of my life, I am not scared anymore, I am still a little shy but working on that too, give me another year and I hope that will be gone too.

Love Susan

Neighbors

Ever since i moved in to my little house in BFE I have been a loner, not that I really wanted to be but the way I dressed it was better that way, I just did not think that my neighbors would like me, I have only been to one house in 6 years, Friday night I was invited over to one of the neighbors houses for a little get together Saturday night, these are people I have only talked to a few times over two years as that other person and have always been nice, I was going to go for sure.
So I arrived a little late, was not sure of the time to be there, anyway I walked in to the living room to five women and three men, once I was introduced I realized I knew three of the other people besides the hosts, they are members of the water board, I had never talked to them about anything other than water related stuff. after I was given a glass of wine I sat down with the ladies and worked my way into the small talk, after I was there about 45 minutes the guys went outside to start a fire, not too long later the hostess asked me "So Susan what's going on with you?" I had told her a little bit on Friday but she wanted to hear the rest of the story, I had already thought about this for the last day so I was ready and would have been disappointed had I not been able to, I started telling about myself and how I started, how I knew, about HBSOC, where I am at with my transition and my plans, Oh and hows it's going for me, some of the women knew a little bit about Transgender and others knew nothing, when the guys came in we got off track but got back to it a little later, when I had a one on one talk with the lady sitting next to me I noticed the hostess listing intently, the lady thanked me for talking about it so openly and I thanked her for letting me talk about it.
I was there four and a half hours and had a really nice time, I hope to be invited to more things like that, I think I looked good and my whole presentation was good, it does not get any better than that.

Susan

PS I have now been on hormones for 9 months.

WHY

why have I not been blogging much lately, well there is not much to blog about, dressing is an every day thing now so not a big deal, hormone changes are so slow that there is not much to write about, work has not been a problem, there is one thing but I will write about that later.

Why I have not been going out more, that's simple, no money honey, I am saving up for the big operation and electrolysis so not much left to play with, it's hard, I want to buy so much, I don't have winter clothing and I want to go places and do things but it's just going to have to wait for a year or two.

Why am I having a problem finding a friend to hang out with, is it because I live in BFE, is it because I don't go out much, I do go out more now than ever before. I have never been able to meet people on line, I am not a very good writer, never have been and when you can't write something witty people don't seem to be interested in you.

Why is it I feel like I did in high school, the emotions I have been having in the last flew months are tearing me up, things friends say or don't say, things friends do and don't do, I am really sensitive to every thing and it's not some thing they are doing wrong although it would be nice if they could be a little more sensitive to me until I learn how to handle this.

Why do I cry myself to sleep some nights, for things I can't have, other than that I can't talk about it here. there are somethings you can't blog about.

I thought I had more whys but I guess not, It may seem that I am having problems but I am OK, this has been the best year in a very long time for me and I hope it will get better, I changed the date of my surgery from July to June, so in six months and one week I will be leaving for Thailand.
I am happy with my breasts, I can actually fill out some of my tops now, I never thought I would like them so much, they are wonderful.
See things are Great.

OK I am done for now talk to you later.
Love Susan

How do I look

I have been talking to the ex wife lately mostly about paper work, I had to send her some papers and I sent her some pictures of me because she said she was ready to see what I look like now, so she got the pictures on Saturday and today we had to talk about more paper work and when we were done I asked her how do I look? well she did not say anything bad but she did not say anything good either, my hair is too long, I need to cover my arms, too much blue on my eyes so it makes me wonder, do my friends tell what I want to hear because they don't want to hurt my feelings are they telling me the truth, I know I am talking about the ex wife and why should I listen to her but I listen to every body and then I do what I like anyway but I still like to know what people think about how I look, it is the only way I can get better.

Yesterday I went to the swap meet then to breakfast and I walked around and across the London Bridge, I had no problems, did not even notice anybody looking at me so I must be doing something right and I love it and I feel good, that's what matters.

Hormone Update and a little TMI

I guess it is about time to do a hormone update, I have been on hormones now for 8 months, I just took my measurements and it is like nothing has changed, I must have gotten used to the skin softness because it feels normal now, the hair is the same no change, my little boobs are looking better but I don't see any change in size, the only thing that seems different is that I can cry any time I see anybody else crying.

The biggest change has nothing to do with hormones and that is the nose, it has been a little over 5 weeks ago now, the swelling is still going down, most people don't even see it, the first time I noticed my self feeling better about it was sitting in my truck at a light, I was not self conscious about the person in the car next to me looking at my profile, I could actually turn my head and look around, a good feeling.

People tell me I am looking good, I know the pictures people take of me seem to be looking better all the time but I can't tell what it is that is changing, I am sure it is a combination of every thing, the hormones, electrolysis, the nose, hair, and makeup. I look at pictures of other girls when they started out, when they still looked like a guy in a dress and I look at the same girls now after transition and I wonder what was the turning point, when did they start looking more like a woman than a man, did they feel the same way about their transition like I do now.
I got he-she'd yesterday at pet smart, it was very fast but I noticed it, I didn't feel bad or anything, she just made a mistake but it did remind me that I may never pass which is OK cause I under stand that.

TMI part
Sexual function still works but is becoming harder to do, when I do think about it which was only once this month it still worked, felt good even with the tiny amount of clear cum that came out.
It would seem now I am more interested in having a really close friend than having sexual partner, somebody to love.

I think I have covered every thing, life is good, work is good, no real big problems I can't live with. Susan

How do I forgive myself

One of the worst things about a four hour drive home alone is that I have too much time to think, on the way home Sunday night I was thinking about something I think about a lot.
I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done to my life, I know people say get over it, it's done, you can't do anything about the past so just get over it, well I wish it was that easy.
In 1979 I got married, I did not want to but I did because I got drunk one night and proposed, I am a very stubborn person, when I say I am going to do something I do it, I never thought it would last, I thought she would be gone within the year, that didn't happen, I rejoined the navy, didn't think she would last through that but she did, you are probably asking why I didn't leave, I would have had to have been a man to do that, I was scared of the divorce and what she would do to me.
I would like to have had kids but because I didn't think it would last I was not going to have kids with her but mostly because I did not like her.
How could I do this, how could I screw up both our life's, this is what I can not forget or get over, 25 years gone, it may have not gone any better if I have not married but it would have been my life I screwed up and it would have been my chose, I am so stupid, I know I should not think like this but I do and nothing seems to change that, life will go on, my new life helps a little but it also makes things worse because of the 25 years lost.
Life goes on and so will I.

Living with Feelings

I really screwed up this weekend, I have always been told to trust my feeling, well I acted on them this weekend and I hurt somebody very dear to me and I hurt myself too, how could I have been so wrong, how could I miss read my feeling so badly, I don't know what to do about this, if I can't trust my feelings any more how am I going to know how to be with anyone, I am just lost.

I will not blame this on hormones, that seems like an excuse to me even though my prescription was doubled last time in Phoenix.

I have found myself jealous of things other people do, it just seems to me that everybody has friends that they can go out and do things with, yes I do live in BFE and that changes things a little but I will drive into town any time something is going on, I go every where in town and do what I need to do but I don't go out to eat or go to bars by myself, it seems so sad to sit in a restaurant by yourself, these are things that I would not do before I started transition.

I like my friends in the GLBT group, they are all nice people but I don't seem to fit in, I don't have anything in common which makes it hard for me to talk to them. I am not Gay, Lesbian or Bi, sometimes I don't even think I am heterosexual, I would have to have some kind of relationship for that.

It's because of the above things that I will be backing off for awhile, hopefully I will be able to set my head on straight, I will be staying off face-book, it is just too painful for me.

I don't have the communication skills to meet people on line, I don't know what to say most of the time and a lot of what I read I have no idea what they are talking about.

I am not backing off my transition, right now it's the only thing that makes me feel good, I have found that feeling bad hurts my self confidence big time, I have also had a lot of looks lately, most of the time I don't care but when you are feeling bad it make it hard to take, some TG's think that you should not even come out until you are done with transition or you can pass most of the time, that would be a long time to never for me so that's not going to happen.

I will be back when my head gets straight, well that will never happen but you know what I mean. Susan

Life Just gets Better

OK I have not done a lot of blogs lately and I want to say that it is because things have slowed down but I don't think that's true, besides going to work which has gotten in the way of a lot of things lately like pride weekend here at Havasu I have been going out about 2 nights a week, getting electrolysis, working on my old house boat and all the other house stuff I am keeping busy, so I will tell you about the last two weeks.

Last week I went out Thursday night to Starbucks and then to the Finish Line Bar and had a very good time, some nights are better than others like every thing but it was a very good night.



Friday night was the meet and greet at the Finish Line for the Pride weekend, the only part of it I was able to attend due to working all weekend, any way it turned out to be another great night, I finely got to meet Alyssa in person, I had heard so much about her from friends but I had never got to meet her because every time I go to Phoenix I am so busy getting worked on, well every thing I heard about her was true, she is so nice, I am not that good with words and no where good enough to express my feelings of how nice it was to meet her and talk to her even for that short time she was there, Marie had to take her away to work on the pride weekend stuff, anyway I cant wait for Transform to see her again.
Alyssa wrote about me in her blog, I have never had anybody say anything like that about me in my whole life, every time I read it I tear up so I hope you don't mind Alyssa I have to add it here.

I finally got to meet my FB friend Susan who was one of the first FB friends to reach out to me and offer me support and friendship. For those that don't know Susan she is so full of life and I think she is loving every second of her new life more so than almost any transwoman I have met yet. Just looking at the smile on her face and the happiness in her eyes will warm your heart. She is so proud of what she is and I hope that someday I could have half of her courage and peace of mind.

It was a very special night, it didn't bother me that I didn't get to go to the rest of pride, I was so high on happiness just from Friday that it didn't matter.
OK I can't write anymore after this, I will be back later

Forget the Bra

I was kind of in a rush this morning getting ready to leave the house for work when I noticed some thing felt different under my shirt, the little girls were loose, so I went back in the house and put on my sports bra, I did this once before, one night going to Marie's for taco's I completely forgot the bra but the difference was that I made it all the way there before I noticed I didn't have any boobs so that tells me I am getting used to wearing bras, the only time I don't wear one now is at home and not even that much at home, I think that if they ever get bigger I don't think I will be able to forget the bra.

What's going on with me

I have not blogged for a while because I have not been doing anything much different, life has been good for me with very flew problems, I am still doing a lot of paper work but even that has gotten routine. I am still dressing 24/7 with no problems, Oh I do have that one thing I can't do any thing about yet and that is the hair, I have not tried it at work again, I do need some hair care products yet so I can make it look better.

I have started going to work in a dress or skirt and then changing into my work uniform at work instead of putting my uniform on at work and have had no problems with that, I did catch one of the guys trying to look up my dress when I was going up stairs.

I am still going to Marie's house on Tuesdays nights, going to Starbucks and the Finish line bar on Thursdays nights when I am not working and anything else I can get into.

I am also getting ready to got to Phoenix next month for my nose job, that's one thing I will be glad when it's done, I am only taking two weeks off after with a nice easy back to work two day schedule and then another 4 days off after.

The biggest news I have is that I have my date for SRS which is July 2010, payed my deposit and everything, that's 10 months and 1 week away, so I will be saving my pennies for that and electrolysis which is going to cut down the fun for awhile but is going to be well worth it.

coming up on the six month mark for hormones, the nipples have stopped itching, have put on about a half inch up top and my butt is getting bigger, body hair seems to be getting lighter, I think my face is changing but it is so hard to tell, it could be just the electrolysis.

That's all I have for now. Susan

I Know When I am Beat

It was another long week, Saturday and Sunday I worked, Monday I drove to Phoenix, went to see a new Doctor and then to see Mary my therapist, Tuesday and Wednesday I had about 28 hours of electrolysis with Maria, Thursday I went to pickup my paper work for my nose job next month, next to my second session for my permanent eyeliner and after lunch I went to get my new hair, after I had a bite to eat with Jen and Maria and the last thing of the trip was to go to Mary's group.
It was a busy week but I got a lot of things done, one of the most important was seeing every body I got to see I just wish I could have gotten to see everybody,
Special thanks to Jennifer for letting me stay with her again and it was great talking to her, girls with guns.
The next day did not go so well, I went to work with my new hair and dressed as much as a girl as I could, the hair was just not cooperating with me, it would not stay anywhere I tried to put it, it just looked terrible, the Chief didn't say anything, actuality nobody said anything,they didn't need to, I was lucky I did not have any calls to go to so nobody outside of work saw me, the tape on the sides didn't hold at all and when I took it off later the top tape was barely holding so the hair was a wash, It was embarrassing, a very big disappointment and you have no idea how bad I felt Friday night, Saturday I went back to my normal dress, I still felt bad but I was able to get my work done, I was very unsociable all weekend, it's really hard to talk to people when you feel that bad. so back to the drawing board.
Today was a recover day from not being home for 8 days and I am feeling a little better.

Hormone Results

On hormones 5 months now, I did an update about 2 weeks ago but I forgot something, I asked people when I first started what was the difference between a males sex drive and a females sex drive, nobody could tell me, I am not sure but I think that part of me is changing too, when I first started this even before I started hormones the male sex drive had gone to nothing, if I wanted to check and see if things were still working down there I had to work at it, now for the past 3 weeks I have been getting little tingles down there when not really thinking of too much and then when I do take care of it 3 things happen to me which is all girl, that I am not going to say on here but if you really want to know I will tell you one on one, all I will say it's fun, wonderful and just so nice to know I could feel this way, the bad part is that SRS is still a long ways away.
I will leave you with that for now, I will be away from the computer for the next week going to phoenix to get work done and see my friends. Susan

The X

Why is it the X wife can still make me feel bad, I had to can her today about money and after I got that done she starts off on why I lied to her all them years and just goes on and on about it and how I owe her all this money and how she hates queers and how sick I am and all that stuff, so I had to sit down and think about it for a while kind of a reality check, but even though I still feel a little bad I never once felt I was doing the wrong thing, I love my new life, my new friends, no way am I going back, she is the most hateful person I have ever known, I don't know how she could live with me that long and not understand one thing about me, I wish I never had to talk to her ever again.

OK make that four in a row

OK make that four in a row days I have gone out, I think that maybe an all time record for me, I went out and met everybody after the board pride meeting at the finish line, had supper and won 4 or 5 games of pool, I don't shoot pool, at least I didn't before, had another nice night, had to leave early, have to work the next 2 days.

Going out three days in a row

Last night I went to a small get together people from work were having for one of the guys that used to work at the fire department, he's moving to northern Nevada, I was a little nervous about going, I don't hang out with the guys from work, I don't even think I have been to a bar with any of them before and definitely not as Susan so another first.
This was at a bar called the Martini Bay another place I have not ever been to, I parked in the parking lot and I saw mt LT and his wife so now I knew I had to go in, the bar was nice and dark a good thing for me, I had a blue top, my black skirt about 3 inches above the knees and my 3 inch heels,I walked in with them all watching me, there were ten people there only 3 from the fire dept, one from river med, the others were wife's and friends some I have never met before, sat down ordered a drink and we talked, Evey body was nice, about a hour later two more guys from work came in with their wife's, one of the guy's wife did not even recognize me that's a great feeling even if it is a dark bar, they had already been drinking so they (the guys) were a little more boisterous, one guy could not stop telling me how he was good with me and what ever makes me happy is good by him, even though it still freaks him out, so we talked a lot last night.
Two people from river med stopped in to say their goodbyes, one used to work at my fire dept, I think he was a little reluctant to say Hi or he was just unsure about me.
One of the guys is part owner in another Bar restaurant called Mario's so he invited us all over there, another place I have never been to before (I did not go out much before) he bought the first round, some of the girls were going out side to have a smoke and invited me even though I don't, so I went out with them talked a lot more, I think I was out there for half hour or more with people coming and going.
So I had a good night, I have a new friend to go makeup shopping with, I learned more about who I can trust at work and I was able to go out like a normal person.

One of the guys is the new local Union president, he offed his support and told me I did not have to worry about the union, very nice.

That was the third time out in the last 3 days, Wednesday I went to the fire dept board meeting with the Chief, secretary and about 8 firefighters, sure I got some looks I expect that and I like it anyway, every thing went fine, no problems.

Thursday night I went to Starbucks for coffee with the group, I wore my second shortest dress, do not bend over with this one, Then we went over to the Finish line bar to finish the night, a friend from Kingman was down so it was good to see and talk to her, I did play 2 games of pool, won one I think, I was a little distracted every time I had to bend over to shoot, it was fun though.

Today I am staying home to get ready for work unless someone calls to do something, I like this going out stuff, I am living again.

TMI number 2

This is going to be TMI number 2, for you sensitive people out there you may want to read this but this is something I have to do because I don't find that other people are putting this information out there and it is something they need to know.

This is also kind of a hormone update too, I have now been taking hormones now for four and a half months, for me I have not felt much happening just the skin getting softer, the nipple itch, tenderness and small change in breast shape with the muscle softening, it's funny when I read this it sounds like a lot is actually happening and that was about two and a half months ago and until now not much else, up until now I have been checking to see if the sex part still works and it does although it doesn't shoot allover like it used to, the other day and I don't know why this happened, I should explain first, in the old days I could take care of my self once a week which would hold me till the next week, when I started this new life even before starting hormones I went down to once a month, I didn't even think about it but now for some reason the other day I did it three times and each time was like the first and just as intense although it only took about 10 seconds, why am I putting this out there, well somebody has to because there are people that want to know but are too afraid to ask.

There is another part that goes with this, My nipples have never been sensitive, the only thing they were good for is for telling you where to put your hands to do CPR on me, now I think they are a lot more sensitive, I do like my baby boobs, when you look down on them they look nice, you don't see much from the front or the side just looking down and with them being more pointed my hands like to find the nipples and play with them, when I did it the other day I noticed I was getting aroused down below, not sure if that has ever happened before, sure was nice.

The other things that maybe happening is the body hair I think is getting lighter and the skin smoother on more of the body, that partly because muscle tone is going down too, when I am wearing a short skirt and look down past my baby boobs to my legs they look a lot smoother, I don't even feel the need to wear nylon's, did I tell you that I love what's happening to my body, if I could just get rid of a flew parts and get a new head I would be just fine.

I warned you TMI Susan

Oh one more little thing, I got my new Female drivers license yesteday, I love it and the picture is good too.

communication

In this world of communication I have found out that it's all about how well you write, if you can put your thoughts into words you can be called a beautiful person online and if you can't even though you still feel it inside then I guess you are not, I like to read peoples blogs and comments but even that hurts because they write so nice and it makes me feel so dumb, I am just smart enough to know just how dumb I am, if you can't communicate well online you are not going to look like somebody they are going to want to meet,even this is not too good but it's how I feel.

Another First

The last four days were petty good, Saturday I went to a fourth of July pool party which was really nice, I think it was the first time in 5 years I have not been alone on the fourth, it was also the first time out in a bikini, fun times.
Sunday all I did was get ready to go to Phoenix and rest.
Monday I picked up Marie at 8 am and headed to Phoenix, on the way I found out from Marie that her friend from San Diego was going to be at the same Dr's office that we were going to, so I made some changes to the appointments on the way so the first stop was going to be at Maria's so Marie could get zapped, then we went over to Dr Meltzer's office where her friend was going to and her jeep was in the parking lot, Marie surprised the heck out of her, after that I let Marie hang out with her friend while I went to my next appointment with my hormone doctor, so after that I picked up Marie and went to meet Jen who I stayed with last time in Phoenix and had a nice dinner then headed home, all in all a very nice day.
Tuesday was the day I was going to get my new drivers license now that I had the F letter from my doctor, but no, one more hurdle to jump through, because I have a CDL commercial driver license I have to get a new physical first then go to kingman because they don't do them here in Havsau, not a big deal just a delay of about a week, So being a little up set I went to taco Tuesday's at Marie's in my little school girl skirt, when upset go short, thanks for a nice night Marie.
So today I am back at work for 2 more days. Susan

Part 3

After the union meeting I had made plans to go to the bar and meet a friend there, I thought I might need a drink, so I called her to let her know I was heading to the bar, no answer, OK well I will go down there and call again which I did still no answer, so I ordered a drink and something to eat, called again, no answer, had another drink and finished that, by now I was getting a little pissed and hurt so I went home, a great ending to a bad couple of days just what I didn't need.
The next day I woke up around 3:30am, didn't want to but I was awake so after rolling around for a hour I got up turned on the TV and checked the email, I thought there may have been a email from my friend but nothing, so I went and wrote a blog and tried to do paper work, I ended up watching a movie for the second time that month, Shall we Dance, well I ended up crying on and off all morning with the movie and every thing else that had gone in the last flew days, I knew that I had better find something to do to take my mind off things so I went outside to work, it was hot out there. I didn't check the email till around 6 pm and all the other sites that's when I found out my friend had had a family problem that had to be taken care of, it may seen bad but I was so relieved, all kinds of things run through your head like what have I done to deserve this and what's wrong with me, why is it that I don't have many friends anyway I felt a lot better.
I was able to go to Marie's for taco Tuesday now that I was feeling better, but I did put on my shortest dress and heels, I love wearing that dress, it was also the first time I had ever been out in it even though I have had it for about 2 years and that's before I knew I was Trans, I will post a picture one of these days.
The Taco's were great as always, not too many showed up but it was still fun thanks Marie.
Wednesday stayed home all day, did a little work and don't remember what else, I did get my new Social security card and changed my name for my HAM radio license, I need 1 letter from my doctor that I should get on Monday and then I can get my new Drivers License on Tuesday, can't wait for that one, the name change is moving right along.
OK I am up to date I hope the next one will be a VBLOG. Susan

One more thing, I have been on Hormones now for 4 months, I really can't tell if there are any changes, it is so hard to tell, I do have what I call baby boobs and they are nice, still a long way to go before I can wear an A cup, I hope by 6 months then I will ditch the fake ones, anyway I will be talking to the Doctor about that on Monday.

Part 2

So what do I think of the meeting, well we go to these meeting in the hope we can make things better but the only things that happen is a lot of talk and no action, the union has no power and I guess if the union supports me that's bad and if they don't it's good because the Chief does not listen to the union, he doesn't have to and will do what he wants anyway, I do feel OK with the union, I think that the people that have the problem with me realize that the union is not going to do the dirty work for them, I am also sure that I did not change their feelings towards me, I also felt like I may have gained more support from some of the others, that's all I can tell you.
The Chief comes back from vacation on Monday and I am sure he is going to be hit up with a lot of stuff, he has been gone for about a month, I would like to not be a part of it but I am sure I will be, I hope to be able to talk to him on Thursday.

Vblog Not

Well i tried to make a vblog today, I could not get the sound to work, nothing I do on this computer works right, I tried 6 different ways to get the sound to work right for 4 hours so you can guess how I feel right now.

I was going to vblog about last Monday night because I can express my self much better than writing, so for now it will be the same old way.

Sunday my first day off I was supposed to go out sailing with a friend but that didn't happen so I ended up staying home doing nothing, later that day I got a text message saying that there was going to be an important union meeting on Monday night, so later on I called one of the union officers to see what it was about to see if I really needed to be there, he said that they were going to discuss me and try to find out why the people that had a problem with me had not discussed it with me and maybe I could clear up some things, well that got my heart going, 1 they were going to talk about me, 2 I don't go anywhere not dressed up and most of them have not seen me dressed, 3 all but one of them are male firefighters, that made me stress out for a while, not once did I consider not going.
I got to work making copy's of paper work to hand out, a HRC manual for the union and I was going to show Donna's video Transgender Issues, by the time I had done all that and more reading I had settled down.
Monday I started the day going to see the therapist here in town, I told her that I would not be able to see her again until see confirmed that she was qualified to council me then the rest of the time I think we talked about my upcoming meeting.
After I left there I went down to the main fire station to drop off some of the paper work so that the union office could do some per reading before the meeting, I must have been there 15-20 minutes, it was also the first time I had been there in the day time dressed because I don't think some people wanted me to go dressed, when I left there and went home I had this strange feeling of power that I don't think I have ever felt before, kind of a neat feeling.
the next 5 hours I just stressed about the meeting until it was time to get ready, I put on my red dress and my favorite high heels and went to the meeting, I got there a little early so I read over my notes until it was time to go in, I just happened to get out of my truck when everybody was walking in so I went in with them, only one person said anything and it wasn't bad, I stopped in the back of the room to talk to the union guy because the dvd was not set up, he said that they would not have time to play it cause it is 45 minutes long, by then every body had sat down towards the back of the room, you know how nobody likes to sit in the front, they are just like little kids, so that meant that I had to walk passed them all to sit in the front row which I did.
The meeting started out with the normal business then the discussion turned to me, the president started, I don't remember every thing but basically said that he has known me for years and had never done him wrong, have always done my job, anyway it was all good stuff, then he said that people had been coming to him saying that they need to get me out of the union and the fire department, you know that part hurts, what I have I really done to them, am I an embarrassment to them and the department, are people saying things about them because I work there, yes it is not normal for people that are born into a male body to wear woman's clothing, they don't under stand that this was not my choice to be a transsexual, I don't know what it is that they have a problem with because they are not man enough to talk to me. one of the things they brought up was that I was going to fast, to me 55 years is not fast, to them it's been about 2 months since I came out to them and they don't like the in between stage, they think it would be easier if I walked in one day all done but we know that does not work ether, they said that it's hard because they used to look up to me and know I guess I have betrayed them, I told them that I am the same person in side, I will still pull them out of a burning building weather or not they like me, I will still do my job, I will still be me even though I look a little different.
I think it went OK, after the meeting some of the guys came over to me and shook my hand which was nice and I talked to one of the guys outside after wards and we will talk more later.
I am getting tired so I will write more tomorrow. Good Night. Susan

The purpose of blogs

What is the purpose of blogs? I have to keep asking my self that, I have found that I have not been writing about certain things and people because it may cause bad feeling and make people mad at me, I don't have too many friends anyway and I don't want to loose the one's I have but if I don't tell the truth or don't say what's on my mind then that's like a lie, I know that I may be overly sensitive about a lot of things and I have too much time to think about things but that's me, it's a big part of what makes me me.
So I will say I am sorry if I upset anybody in advance, but it is the only way I can express my feeling and I just hope you can under stand, I don't mean to hurt anybody.
Susan

Being Lonely

Being lonely is some thing I have gotten used to the last the last 6 years I have been living alone and even when I was married I remember driving home from work one night in San Diego just feeling so alone, that was ten years before I moved out.
now I have friends and that has reminded me how alone I am, It hurts more to be alone now and I don't think it's just the hormones, it's just that I was used to it, I notice when after being with my friends in town I hate to drive home cause I know I am not going to see then for a while and I just miss being with them, I go out some nights and I don't want the night to end, but of course I have to work the next day so I have to leave early.
Life is getting better just hope it keeps up Susan

Busy Week

Talk about a busy week, wow last week I worked Monday then Tuesday I went to check out another councilor here in Havasu, after that I came home got my things and drove to Phoenix, I had an appointment with Maria on Wednesday and Thursday to get about 20 hours of electrolysis done, well on Wednesday I had 12 total hours and Thursday 19 total hours, I have never been through anything like that before, here in Havasu I only have 2 hours a session, I may have around 8 sessions like that.
Every body there is so nice, my eyes tear up every time I think about them, can't wait to go back in August.

Friday I started out going to the Cosmetic Surgical Art Center for a consult with Dr Marouk to see about my fixing my nose, upper lip and nipples, another bunch of nice people, I hope I have enough money to go there. After that I went and got a new military ID card with my new name and so I could change my military medical and dental cards also, This was the only time I have been nervous in months, just being around military for the first time dressed I guess but nothing to worry about again, the only thing bad was is that my face was swollen up so bad for the electrolysis I had to get the picture that way on the ID card, oh well nobody see's that one anyway. after that I went to Hats Off Hair Styles to see Nancy, I need help with the hair or the lack of it, well we are going to come up with something for my unique needs. the last stop before heading home was something I had added to the schedule and that was getting permanent eyeliner at A Permanent Image with Mary, so more needles again, I must like getting poked, looks kind of neat, I don't know what the chief is going to say about it cause I am bending the rules a little, a little advice, don't drive 4 hours after wards, it's hard on the eyes.

So that's all I did last week, I worked all weekend and today I helped Marie move some stuff and after that doing paper work and calling places to change my name on cards.

I just want to thank Jen again for letting me stay with her in Phoenix, it makes all the difference having a friend like that who is going through the same things, plus we got to talk, watch movies and we watched Donna Rose's Story one night which was real nice because I was just finishing her book, Thanks Jen.

Susan

Thinking like a women

I have asked people before if these hormones would ever make me feel like I was a women, then I was thinking the other day who knows how a women really thinks and that's when it came to me, I think like a women now, I always have, what I should have been asking is what does a man think like, it is just so simple, I was looking for something to change in me that was all ready here.

Shock and Disbelief

Last Friday night the Lieutenant on my shift at the fire department committed suicide at home, I can't tell you why but the reasons would have made me contemplate it if it had been me, It was petty bad. I had known him for maybe 4 years, I didn't hang out with him off work as I don't hang out with anybody from work, so I really did not know him on a personal basis even though we live together for 48 hours a shift we don't get real personal. It really didn't bother me that much, I have always been cold that way, I get more upset when watching a movie or something, I thought that the hormones would change the way I feel but I feel no different, I am shocked and still in disbelief, I only worked with him 3 days before, there was no indications that anything like this was on his mind just such a waste, I don't know what else to say.

Susan

What's going on

I have not done a blog for a while cause I just don't know how to write some things, but I need to get something down.
The only bad stuff is at work, there are three guys here who have gone into the office and told management that they don't want to work with or near me when I start looking more like a women, I don't know much more than that because they wont tell me anymore and they wont say who which I under stand and the there guys wont talk to me about it, so I am wondering if I should slow down a bit or just go on like I was. that's one thing I have been thinking about, on to the next thing.
When we are sitting around the table at work we talk about every thing, well one thing that they talk about is when they were at each others house or at a bar and calling each other to go out and party, what they don't realize is that it hurts me, I know why they don't ask me or call me and this is not something new, this was even before the TG thing, it's just that it seem to bother me more now, just had to say it.
Marie and myself had a good time in Phoenix last week, we talked all the way there and that makes the drive go a lot better, we stopped to see Maria to see about getting more electrolysis done, then to Mary, after that we ate and then went to group with Mary and the other Girls, then back home. It was not as long trip as last time but it is still too long.
I have not been out much lately even though I want to, I was just going to say I was trying to save money but it's more like I don't have any body to go out with and even when I am out I just don't meet people easy, and I know I will never meet people sitting at home, I only live 15 miles out of town but it may as well be 100, you can't just jump in your car when you get the urge.
I got a new 2 piece swim suit last week, it even fits the little boobs I have, I have pictures for you but I am at work and can't post them from here so I will add them when I get home tomorrow after going to dental for a cleaning.
I am going to check out a counselor here in town in about two weeks so I may not have to go to Phoenix as much if they work out.
I have paper work from two SRS doctors that I have been reading, I have a consultation with one of them on the 6th of next month and after that I will make my decision where I am going to go.
other that that I have been working on my shed, my house boat and watching you tube videos on doing makeup.
Not much going on with the hormones, still don't feel any different, the only thing I see is that the boobs are changing slowly, so I am maybe thinking about checking out another doctor to see what they say.
I didn't think I would be this busy, I think I thought I would just see my therapist, doctor and go to electrolysis once a month and that would be it but not so, I am always doing something to do with my new life and that's a good thing.
see you somewhere. Susan

The name

Some thing happened to other day that surprised me, one of the guys from work that get freaked out by me wearing makeup at work called me for some thing to do with work, I answered the phone in my best female voice and he said is this Susan and I said yes, That is the first time any body at work has called me by my female name and it was surprised that it was him, I am going to work on him with the makeup.
That's all Susan

Coming out fallout

It seems I am getting some fallout from coming out at work, It's about time things were going too good, I don't know for sure what it is but I have heard that some of the wife's don't like it because it could make the fire department look bad, I think it's more there husbands, the other thing is that it really bothers some of the guys when I were makeup to work, I have worn some but it was very little, so for right now I will have to back off on that and it does say in the rules no makeup male or female, I do have to watch what I do, don't want to give them an excuse.
I got paper work from two SRS doctors and have been reading that and filling out forms, I get a little excited when I think about it, one day.
other than that I have been just working, working on my boat and shed not a whole lot of excitement but stuff I have to get done. Susan

Name Confusion

Name confusion is what I have now, last night a women introduced her self to me and that's when I got confused, I almost said Susan but then I said Smitty which is what I use at work so that the guys don't get confused, I just thought I should write it down cause it's something I had not thought of before, it wont be long till the name gets changed. Susan

Coming out to wife's friends

Tuesday was kind of an interesting day, I did something that maybe I should not have done, I called a friend in San Diego who I have not talked to since about 2005, she is actually my X wife's friend, I had expected her to have been told about me but she had not heard a word so I told her every thing and told her the myspace address and every thing, well later that night I got a very angry call from the X, she said that was her friend and I had no business telling her about myself and telling her about the web site, I guess I embarrassed her. Oh well can't take it back, anyway I just have to tell the world.
I had some friends stop by on the way to Taco Tuesday, they wanted to see where I live and take some pictures, hopefully I will be able to post some of them on here soon.
I didn't do too much the last three days, paper work, reading about srs doctors, cleaning house, I did make an appointment with another electrolysis to see if I can get it done faster and I made an appointment with Doctor Meltzer for a consultation.
That be all for now Susan out

Union

well I went to the union meeting tonight, it sure would have been nice if somebody had told me it was canceled, they are going to hear about this for the next six months.
So I went shopping, I was in walmart and ran into one of the guys wife's,I don't think she recognized me at first, but we just started talking about shopping and it was like two women talking, how much better could it be.
I am still shopping for a new camera so I can put pictures up again, of course the one I wanted was out of stock, oh well I will just have to go shopping again later.
Susan

T.M.I

This blog my be too Much Information TMI for some of you so you may not want to read this one, but because I am writing about what is happening to me I have to tell you this part also.
This is something you have to think about and test because if you don't you may not realize that you are not thinking about sex or maybe just not as much, it used to be that I had to masturbate at least once a week to release the stress and then I was good for another week or two, now I don't have that stress, but you still have to masturbate just to test it out so that you know if your hormones are working, erections still come but I have to have work at it more and now the ejaculate does not explode out like it used to, it just flow out and now it's a lot clearer, the erections are still the same size and that's about it, just thought you would like to know and if you didn't why did you read so far. Susan

Things that happen at work

Sorry I have been a little slow in my blogs lately.
Thursday I had another first, I went running here around the heights in my little shorts, sports bra, and wig, I ran early and it was not too hot even with the wig, it's kind of like a hat, I do need a wig with longer hair so I can pull it into a pony tail better but it does work.
Went to starbucks that night, It was kind of slow, some body stayed home to watch Greys Anatomy.
Two more days at work were kind of slow again but we did have 3 calls, two things did happen related to me, the first, I found out that one of the part time guys told somebody that he was a little freaked out by the fact that I wear mascara and does not want to work with me, I guess all the other stuff I wear doesn't bother him, he must not know. The other thing, one of the guys from work was at a bar about 20 miles from here and was talking to people there and my name came up and the fire department, they were the only two people that I know there, what are the odds, I have not seen them in over two years, so what happened next was they got on the phone and called two friends in town, the only two friends who I had not got around to coming out to and told them, so when I got home last night I called and talked to one of them, she was shocked but will be OK with it I think, That's why I had to come out when I did because it really is a small world.
Every thing else is going good, two and a half months on hormones, dressing 7/24, breasts change a little every week, a little more pointy now, no other changes that I can detect, so trans things are slow now and I can get a little of my house work done.
Yesterday I went for another run on the island and I saw two women ridding bikes, they looked like they were family so when they got back to their car I went over and asked them if they were family and they said yes, so I asked them if they knew about the Starbucks GLBT night and they had not so I invited them, more the merrier.
Me thinks that's all for now. Susan

TS STUFF

I know the day is not over but it's been a good day, first I went for another 2 hours of electrolysis, then to fill out paper work at Lakeview Family Dental, after that I went to the county court, then to Staples, printer ran out of ink again and the last stop at food city, It's funny but when I write it it doesn't seem like much but it took five hours to do all that.
I also ran into one of the guys from work, he didnt say any thing about me being dressed, maybe he was too shocked.

The X wife

I just got off the phone a little while ago with the X wife, I have been trying to talk to her for about a month, she said she had been busy, OK.
She can't seem to under stand why I did not tell her my feeling about wanting to be a girl before we got married or even after we got married and made her go through all the years of marriage, she can't understand that I didn't know what I was, until last year, I wish I had known because, it would have been better for both of us, when I was having these feelings a long time ago I didn't know what they meant and no way was I was going to tell anybody back then I just thought that something was wrong with me like a lot of other people, I didn't know things were going to turn out like this, none of us know whats going to happen in the future, I just don't know how to convince her that I didn't know back then that I knew that I was a transsexual.
She seems to be OK with me being TS just wishes she had know a long time ago.
I really don't have to make her understand I would just like her to.

A day in Phoenix

That was a long trip to Phoenix on Thursday, I got up at 5:30 am and got home at 2:30 am but it was worth it, first I picked up my doors for my shed, saved $250 in shipping there, then to the doctors appointment, then therapy with Mary and back later for Mary's group and then back home, I was able to do a little shopping in between appointments, I went to savers and Fry's electronics.
When I was picking up the doors it was at a plant where they make them, I had to park the truck in the yard so that shipping could load the doors on my truck, the truck was visible from the big open door of the plant, when I got out of the truck to tie down the doors you should have heard the Wolfe whistles from inside but I did have short shorts and a red tight top on, it was kind of fun.
I really love going to group, there were two girls there who I had never seen dressed before, I had seen them in guy mode but never dressed, I thought they were Genetic girls they looked so good and they are new at it too, it even upset me a little too, I get a little jealous of how well some girls look, I know they are a lot younger too but it doesn't help, some things I just have to live with, anyway I do enjoy the groups, hope you can go with me next time Marie.
Yesterday all I really did was get my bobcat out and unload my truck and lounge around.
I am working all weekend so that should keep me out of trouble for 2 days. Susan

busy, busy

Yesterday was another busy day, after work I did a fast 1 1/2 mile run and then walked a 1 1/2, went home and got ready to go out again, first to the dentist, found out today it's only going to cost around $7000 to fix what I need done because the insurance does not want to pay for it. After that I went to walmart, I needed a 2 piece swim suit, beer and limes for Taco night, I found one that fits OK, I almost have enough boob to look OK, doesn't look too bad to me, I went to check out and when I showed the lady my driver's license for the credit card purchase she asked me if I had a ID for me, she didn't notice I was a, how do I say this now, I can't say I am a man any more, anyway this lady did not know I was dressed up and she seemed interested by me doing this change so that was cool.
Taco night at Marie's house was good as always, thanks Marie, when I got home I was so tired I fell asleep in the chair and I think it's about time for a nap right now, Oh one more thing, I will be at Phoenix all day tomorrow so I will see you. Susan

Was that you

Saturday night is potluck night at Bob's house, so last night I met somebody new, I was sitting right next to him and we talked a little, well today at work we went to tropical smoothie's and the same guy was in there, it sure looked like him, I went over to him and said didn't I meet you at Bob's last night? he said no I don't think so, I said sorry and went to sit out side, when they were leaving he came over to me and said that he was at Bob's but did not remember me, I said I was sitting right next to you, the one with the skirt on, then he remembered me, so maybe I am not doing too bad at dressing or at least if I am dressed they don't know who I am.
Not too much interesting has been going on, but I have been busy, Thursday night was Starbucks night, when we got there one of the guys who I had invited from work was there with some friends from out of town, so we all went in, did the intros and every thing was cool.
Friday was payday for the girls so I took them out to get their food for the month and after we celebrated May day.
I did spend about 2 hours shopping in walmart and nobody said any thing.
This month I am going to do the name change and pick a SRS doctor plus all next week I am busy getting stuff done. Susan

Blog move

I copied all my blogs from yahoo 360 and put them here, I hope it does not confuse you but it's a lot easier for me to bring them up and faster too. Susan

shopping #2

I forgot the other day when I was in the second hand store, a women came out of the dressing room and asked me if her top looked good, she was trying to buy something other than a tank top, I just asked her if she liked it and just to wear what she likes, I did tell her that it looked nice to me, I was a little surprised that a women would ask me a fashion question like that, maybe something else I have to get used to. Susan

24/7

What is 24/7? that's when I have to live and dress as a woman 24 hours a day 7 days a week, it is easy for me on my off days, I can do or go anywhere dressed now, I have got used to it, at work it's a little harder, I still wear my work clothing but my nails are painted, I have a little mascara on and a sports bra, not that I need one it's just in the rules, I didn't think they would notice the little bit of mascara I put on but they did. so that's my 24/7.
Both days at work I was able to talk to people about my self and what I am doing and every thing seem to be OK so far, I have not heard anything bad yet and hope it stays that way.
Today went for another 2 hours of electrolysis then to the dentist to fill out paper work for my first overdue appointment, after that I went to see the girls for a while, that's when I found out I need a flowery dress for Friday, Beltane (Mayday. so I went shopping, I found everything but a flowery dress, Oh well I did buy 5 skirts, 1 shorts and 2 tops, maybe I will have better luck next time

Entry for April 24, 2009
Normal 0
Trial by fire.
Went to Starbucks last night, the first time in 3 weeks because of work and going to Phoenix, walking up to Starbucks I saw a car that I recognized, somebody that used to work at my fire department who I had not seen for about 6 months, so we went inside and I looked around and saw him sitting there so I just said hi to him, we talked a little then he left, for you who don’t know nobody has seen me from work dressed. Got to see somebody I had not seen since Christmas at a party, that was before I had hair, she almost did not recognize me. After Starbucks the girls and my self went over to Marie’s house where we had more fun until 1 am, I know I have said this before but it sure is nice to have friends to hang out with now.
Today I had to go into town for more electrolysis and pick up a prescription, It seems that it takes about 4 hours every time I go into town now.
I was lying on the couch taking a little nap when the phone rang, It was one of the guys from work, they were having a problem with one of the trucks at the station here and needed a jack that I have, I had to think for a minute, should I change because I was still dressed female, I just said to hell with it and I ran down there dressed as I was, It had to happen sooner or later so may as well do it now, nothing bad happened so all is well so far.
So that’s all the fun I have had in the last 2 days. Susan

Entry for April 26, 2009
Normal 0
Yesterday was the first trans girls get-together at Marie’s house, there were only three of us but it’s a start, we went over makeup mostly and just talked, after we had dinner and watched a movie, a very nice day thank you Marie, Oh I found out Marie likes her feet rubbed.
If any of you reading this and know any trans girls out there who live close please point them this way, we would like to have our own support group in Havasu.
Today I just need to go into town for food for work other than that, don’t know what else I am going to do yet.
Susan

Entry for April 22, 2009


I had a great weekend but I forgot something last week I need to write about first.
At the last Taco Tuesday I was talking to a new friend about breasts, She asked me if I would lift my shirt to show her mine, I told her I would if she realy wanted me to but not there in front of every body and only for reasons to see if every thing was OK, It seems I am getting a little self conscious about my breasts and don't want to run around without a shirt on any more, that is after 2 months of hormones, Marie said I need to start wearing a bra, not that I need the support but part of being 7/24 so I will look for some this next four days off and start wearing them all the time.
This weekend we went to Gendora near LA so my friends could see their kids and pick up a truck load of their things, so we did all that and on Sunday we all went to the Renaissance Pleasure Faire in Irwindale next door to where we were, we all dressed up, had a great time, I met a bunch of nice people and hope to make it back there sometime.
OK enough for now, talk later. Susan

Entry for April 16, 2009
Some things I forgot last night. At taco Tuesday I was telling Marie about coming out because she wasn't here when I did all the coming out at work, I told her that now I was open and it didn't matter who saw me or knew about me, she said that now I have to own it, I asked her what she meant by that just to be sure, she said that I had to live as a women now 24/7, I have been petty much been doing that but I have been cheating a little, when I get off work when I am still dressed in my fire uniform is when I go and do some of my shopping in places where they know me, so that will have to change, I will start by going home to change first after work and then do my shopping, You can do it.
I for got when I saw Marie yesterday to tell her I liked her shoes, Sexy.
More big news, my boobs have started to change, I wasn't sure at first because I did have good pecks for my size, when I look down at them they are definitely changing, more rounder and the areola and nipple have more of a point, you can't tell by looking straight on or from the side, the muscle is getting a lot softer too, the left side has the start of the nodule formation behind the nipple but the right hasn't started yet maybe cause that muscle is bigger on that side, my nipples were already kind of big for a man so it is had to see any change there although I think the left one is a little bigger because I keep having to feel it, my fingers keep getting drawn to it.
See I didn't forget to write too much last night.
Life is good Susan

Entry for April 15, 2009
going to LA
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Blogging
Yesterday I got dressed and went to get fuel for the trip to Glendora, then to the bank, next to electrolysis for another 2 hours, after that to payless, still need more shoes then to another good night at Marie's house for taco Tuesday. I met somebody new who was fun to talk to, she had a friend who she had helped go through the transsision so she knew a lot about it, but I am not suposed to talk about her, I do hope to talk to her more. afterwards on the way to drop off the girls we stoped at Smith's, I needed food for work the next day, Smith's is one of the places I had been avoding for fear of being seen but now I don't have to worry about it, It's so nice.
I am lookin forward to going to Glendora near LA this weekend with the girls, we are going touse my truck to pick up their things, see their kids and friends, we are also going to renfair on Sunday which is also Gay day, should be fun, then we will be back on Monday in time to go bace to work Tuesday.
This may be the last blog for about a week unless I find time, so I will see you in about a week. Susan

Entry for April 12, 2009
Yesterday I came out to one of the other shifts, only one left, I think they will already know before I have the chance to tell them, but that's OK. Every thing has been easy for me, no problems at all so far, My Chief even asked what they could do to help me, I wasn't ready for that question, I had no trouble telling and talking about coming out, it was even kind of fun, now I can go anywhere in town and now worry about being seen, I will still be nervous,but I will get used to it.
Today I had to work on the house, I redid part of the plumbing on my solar hot water heater, took about four hours all done wearing a dress, sorry no plumbers crack.
Well that's my Easter, It's been great. Susan

Entry for April 13, 2009
Today I went into work just to come out to the three guys working this shift, now I only have four to go, but I can't tell them till next week because I dont see them that much.
The rest of the day I worked on my old house boat, it's starting to get hot, got to get it going.
Wont have time to blog tomorrow so I will try to do it at work Thursday.
Susan

Entry for April 08, 2009
One of my friends miss took what I said about guys, it's not that I like guys now I still like girls but what I am told is that can change with hormones so I am not going to rule anything out, if it feels right do it.
Sunday and Monday were just stay at home, do paper work and work on the boats days nice and easy.
Tuesday I put the rear seat back in the Samurai now that I have friends they need some where to sit, I know it's not a big car but it's great for running around town, I gave it a bath too.
I had to go down town to the post office to sign for a letter so I left it as late as possible so I could pick up the girls and go to taco Tuesday at Marie's house after and not make more than one trip, I had been dressed for two days and I wasn't about to go in boy mode for one thing, so I went to the post office all dressed up and it was fun, why do I worry.
Taco Tuesday was great again, Thanks Marie we love you.
Today I had a lot of running around to do and I did it all dressed, first I had to see my tax lady in bullhead, She knows I work at the fire department, then I went to Target, picked up some things for my friends, then to goodwill, found four skirts and a dress, got something to eat before going over the hill to Kingman, there I needed some parts at two hardwear stores, Havasu does not have much, then to flying J truck stop for new lights for the samurai another part that cost too much in Havasu and back home, a good day and a good last four days, People may look at you but it doesn't matter what they are thinking and most just don't care.
The next two days will be at work and I hope to be able to come out in the next two days at work, I just need one peace of paper from my Doctor and I will be set, wish me Luck. Susan

Entry for April 09, 2009
Just a quick note, Today I came out to the Fire chief and the Secretary, they are the people that run the fire department, I also came out to the other two guys on my shift, so that's everybody I work with directly, all I have to do now is the other two shifts which is easy.
Every thing went well they all support me and the Chief asked what they could do to help me, I was not ready for that question but anyway every thing is good, I will write more when I am not at work. Susan

Entry for April 03, 2009
Thursday Marie and my self left Havasu around noon for Phoenix, we arrived about 45 minutes early so we went into Savers, wow not enough time for that, we had to be at the therapist at 4pm, I didn't think I would like going to a therapist but I sure do like talking to mine, Mary is fun and really nice to talk to I miss the talks now that I only go once a month.
After that we had two and a half hours until the group meeting so Marie had arranged to meet up with a girl friend of hers for dinner, we found her easy and had a very good pizza, talked about computer geek stuff and her SRS, then we talked her into going to the group with us so we had a good night, we got back to Havasu around 1am, not too bad.
The only problem is that we did not get to go back to savers, I had some dresses picked out that I wanted to try on and now we know where Frys electronics is, It may take two days next time we go.
Susan

Entry for April 04, 2009
I was sitting here at work watching TV and something hit me, when I watch TV and movies I watch how women dress, act, do their makeup and all that stuff but that's not it, now I find myself wondering what it would be like to be that women with that man, how would it feel, would it be as nice as it is in the movies, could I handle it, it is a different world now for me and I have to rethink every thing.
Just thought you would like to know what I was thinking sitting here at work. Susan

Entry for April 01, 2009
This is a redo of the blog that yahoo lost.
On Monday I got off work at 8am, went over to the girls house to drop some things off, then to the bank and food on off to home.
Later I had to go back into town for electrolysis for another 2 hours, afterward s I went back to the girls house to hang out and take them to the store, when I got there Marie was there too so we petty much hung out had supper and watched a movie.
Tuesday I need a little house cleaning before going down to pick up the girls to bring them to my house, very few people have been there, so they came up and hung out at my house for a change. Later we all went over to Marie's house for taco Tuesday.
Wednesday I stayed home all day, did a little work but mostly rested up for the next day.
OK let me see if this will let me post it.

Entry for March 28, 2009
Ok I should make this fast because I am at work, rough job.
The last four days off were good, I did a lot, the first to days I blogged about already. So Thursday I went to Phoenix first to see my doctor who is upping my hormones again because not much is happing, the only thing I can feel is my skin so far, but it does feel nice. Today is one month on hormones, hope I start feeling some thing by two months. Then the next stop was the therapist, that went good too, I had made notes about what I had done in the last month, even though I send her all my blogs a lot of it still needs to be talked about, so we did and every thing went good.
I got home just in time to meet with the pride group at Starbucks, so that whole trip took about 12 hours, I am getting used to it.
Friday I got up, got ready for work because I knew I would not have time when I got home to do it, I got dressed and went into town to my friends house so she could help me with my myspace page http://www.myspace.com/390236810, it was very plain and straight because it's was my boy site, not so much anymore. Then we all went to Kmart to pick up some things, I needed more sprio, I wore my long skirt so people would not have my legs to look at and it seems to work good, didn't see a lot of people looking at me and nobody really cares what you wear, when I went to checkout I had to show my male ID for the visa card, I said don't look, she said oh that's fine dear, so no big deal. after that we went to Marie's house to hang out until movie time, Marie's movie for the night was MILK, for me it was interesting because I kind of remember some of it when it happened but it doesn't seem like that long ago to me and the news never showed all that as I remember.
Anyway a good four days, oh almost forgot, the only women firefighter now works on our shift every 2 weeks, she said a funny thing to me this morning I don't remember what brought it on but she said joking are you boy or girl and I said yes, so later on when the others were out of the room I asked her why she said that, she said no reason she was just kidding around, so I thought it was a good time to come out to her and I did, we talked a little bit about it with what time I had and every thing was good.
good night Susan.

Entry for March 25, 2009
Ok two days at home, I went out to get some things I needed, so I got dressed in what I thought was boy mode but i am not sure any more, every thing I was wearing was girl clothing, short shorts and a black top it's just that I didn't have on the wig and makeup, no mater where I went people would look at me not that I care any more, I guess they are just thinking, why is this man wearing those clothing. anyway I picked up the girls so they could get some shopping done too, then we went to the sandbar gril and had some good hambugers, It's fun to now have friends I can go out with and go shopping who dont care what I am or what I wear.
Today I worked on my old house boat again before I had to go out and get a new wheel for my old sail boat trailer, once again I went out pettymuch dressed the same way except I had on girls jeans, same thing happened every where I went, I got the head to toe looks, you may be thinking, then dont dress like that, but thats the way I like to dress, I dont tell anybody how to dress and if I dressed like every body else then I would not be me.
Thursday I get to go to Phoenix and see my doctor and therapist and maybe make it back in time to go to starbucks so no blog thursday. Susan

Entry for March 19, 2009
Today I was going to go right to work on my house boat but I spent all morning going through my clothes, boy do I have some junk, threw a lot of my old tee shirts into the goodwill bag with the last of my boy jeans, I have been buying girls jeans and shorts for a long time now. I was also trying on some of my old stuff to see if it still fit and to see how it looked, I found 2 pairs of tights that I can wear now that I have had for a long time.
Going to Starbucks tonight talk tomorrow. Susan

Entry for March 22, 2009
Thursday night went well at Starbucks, we had more people show up, almost ran out of tables, afterward the girls and I went to Marie's house where she played music and we talked until 2 am.
Friday I was tired for some reason, I didn't get much done, I don't even remember if I did anything.
Saturday I started painting the overhead in my old house boat, a job I have been putting off because I hate painting, but at least I got it done and I feel better now it's done, took about 5 hours.
Today I am going to work for another 2 days. Reading my group email I found a u tube video for voice training which I watched and liked, I don't think that I really thought that it was possible to change my voice that much but now that I have seen it I believe it is possible, I can't wait to watch the other videos that she has.
Got to get ready for work bye for now. Susan

Entry for March 18, 2009
Two more days of work done, every day of work brings me closer to SRS.
Today after getting off work I went for a 3 mile run, the first after my being sick, it sure was hard starting off but after about a mile in was getting a little easier and I feel good now.
I did another two hours of electrolysis this afternoon, up to 14 now, it's starting to look better now, where she has been working is a lot easier to shave now and where she has done I can go all day.
I came out to another guy at work yesterday and that went real good, no problem so now that's three at work that know.
I think now I have more girl clothing than boy, more I can go out in anyway, all my boy stuff is old anyway, some of the girl clothing I need to have my own boobs for, this pocket bra is too big and I don't like glue and tape so for now I will go without boobs.
Susan

Entry for March 15, 2009

Well I had the web cam out so I thought it would be a good idea to practice walking in front of it and it's a good job too I look terrible, I have been watching how women walk for months now and haven't learned a thing by what I see, boy do I need help, I made about 6 videos of my self walking inside and outside, then I watched them for about an hour to see what I was doing wrong, so what I have come up with so far is this, keep the legs close when walking, take shorter steps, look straight ahead, shoulders back, head up and for me just letting the arms hang loose for now is what seems to work best for me. but I still need help, I know this is something I am going to have to practice every day, It's going to be hard to get that sailor walk out of me after all these years.
I am watching myself in the web cam right now, trying to work on that smile.
later Susan

Entry for March 14, 2009

I was working out side today with my wig on and all girl clothing and one of the fire trucks from work drove by, I don't know if they saw me or not but they didn't stop, I almost ran and hid, good job I have about a 340 foot set back.
I have found it is just as easy to wear a wig as it is to wear a hat, I think the wig is cooler too, so I will be wearing the wigs a lot more now.
I was walking back and forth to my shed to day which is down by the road, about 300 feet from the house, so I thought it would be a good time to practice with putting in a little wiggle into my walk, it was fun till I almost fell, I just had to laugh, if I had got hurt what would I tell the doctor I was doing, well they need a good laugh too.
Day 1 of the higher dose of hormones and I logged it in to my TG log.
The picture is of my house from the road, you can see how far the house is from the road, the house is way in the back, well shed in the middle and my big building on the right.
That's all for now, Peace and love to you all Susan

blog entry for 15 march 2009

Me day, feeling better so I thought I had better do a little workout, no weights, a girl workout, I tried to do a video for reference so I can look back in a year to see if there is any improvement, I will try and post it for you so you can have a good laugh, I may not look any better in a year but I may get better with the videos.
Susan

Entry for March 09, 2009
Lab day, went in for my first lab test today, took 5 minutes and a little blood, hopefully I don't have to pay for it, the blood is enought.
Called my doctor today, the main reason was for the lack of feeling anything from the hormones, he said that this first prescription was for starting, to see how I take it, so I have to call again in the morning and they will up the dosage.
Should have been a doctor, he didn't have much time because he had to make 30 phone calls before he could go home, how many doctors are out of work right now?
I had somebody come to my house today, nobody comes to my house out here in the boonies, It was the county assessor who I have meet before at work so he knows me and where I work, I had only been home a short time, I was trying on some flat shoes, I had on a skort, ear rings and a tee shirt so I think I looked a little feminine, we talked out side for about 10 minutes before he went to the next house. it's getting closer to the time I have to come out, I just know it, it's hard to keep my mouth shut at work, I will just have to not talk to anybody, like that's going to happen.
Back to work tomorrow and Wednesday, no taco Tuesday for me the next 2 weeks. Susan

Coming Out Entry for March 13, 2009

OK this is the second time I am doing this blog, the first time Yahoo lost it, 360 was running very slow this morning so here goes again.
Last night I went to Starbucks again for the local Pride meeting, I met some new people there last night, had a nice time and we closed Starbucks.
I am sorry about the bad picture, that's how I got dressed to go out last night, after I looked at how short the skirt was I went and changed to a longer one, I think that one may have been to much for Starbucks, I do like it thou, I will find a place where I can wear it some day.
Other than that not much else happened yesterday.
Today was not going to be a big day it just happened, I was talking to my ex wife this morning about taxes, she had called me last night when I was at Starbucks and my phone never rang so I didn't call her back until today, She asked me where I was at last night and I told her, then she wanted to know who I was with, so I told her who I was with, then she wanted to know why I was with gays and lesbians, so anyway I ended up telling her I was the T in the GLBT and what all that meant, she took it well, shocked but well, the only thing she is mad about is getting the divorce, she wanted to stay married so she could have the military medical insurance for the rest of her life, she even said she would have signed off on the SRS for me, anyway all is good and it went better than I thought it would.
I was getting ready to go out for another 2 hours of electrolysis when she called be back, she said why could I have just been gay because it was easier for her to under stand, I told her because I am just not gay, then she said that I should have had her pick out my name, How do you say control freak.
So I was getting ready to go out for electrolysis, I did not want to go in boy mode but I can't shave so I got dressed with out shaving, only eye make up and no wig, not the best look but better than nothing, I did take my electric razor and wig with me because I wanted to do some shopping after electrolysis. On the way I had to make one stop to pick up some money from one of the officers from work, this is a person who I have not come out to, I wasn't going to change just for this so I went over to his house, after he gave me the money he asked what was up with the nails, I asked if he would keep a secret and he said he would just so long as he could tell his wife, so I just told him I was a Transsexual and he was good with it and that's all their was to it, just so long as I could do my job he didn't care.
Now I only have one hard place to come out at and that is work, soon.
Went to my electrolysis, then I shaved put on my wig and went to the thrift store for some more tops, I didn't look too good without the makeup but nobody seems to care, I dont care just so long as they are not mean, mean people suck.
That's all for now, I may not go out at all untill I have to go back to work, unless I go to the swap meet on Sunday. Susan

Entry for Febuary 25,26,27, 2009
OK the other day I had a little bit of a sore throat, well today it hit hard, right behind my eye balls and nose, all I wanted to do was keep them closed and so that's what I did, I stayed home from work for both days and did nothing for e days, I don't get sick too often but when I do I do it right, hope I didn't pass it on to anybody. Susan

Entry for Febuary 28, 2009 Hormone Day
Still sick but getting better.
Today is the day, I started Hormones today, so what, about 2 months before I start to feel anything, well that's gives me time to work on some of the other things I need to do.
I went to another 2 hours of electrolysis at noon, really didn't feel like it but went anyway, came home and went to bed for 4 hours another day done. Susan

Entry for March 07, 2009
Not too much going on right now, I am still working on getting better, worked another 48 hours.
I am getting back into my normal routine now that I don't have to work so hard on getting hormones, I have been on them for a week now, I would say that not much is happening with them because I thought that some of the things I am feeling are due to being sick but I am not sure, some things are tasting different, my skin I thought was feeling oily but it may be that it is just smoother, it is real hard to tell, I do know that when I am in bed it is just nice to rub my legs together, feels good.
I am now up to 10 hours on electrolysis, only around 190 to go if I am lucky.
I am staying dressed as much as possible, there is always some part of me that's dressed as a woman, some jobs I have to do outside require me to wear my girls jeans and a tee shirt, I hate it when I have to change out of a skirt, you know I have more skirts than jeans now, I am working on tops more now, still need more shoes, it hard to find 10 1/2 sizes in styles I like and the mail order do not fit right.
Anyway that's all for now. Susan

Entry for February 22, 2009
Back home once again, not much happened at work in the last 2 days, today when I got off work I went to the swap meet, I haven t been there a about a year, I found this one long dress that I just loved the color on and a kind of tye died top for when I get enough stuff to dress like a Hippie, could not wait to get home and try them on.
After that I went for a 3 mile speed walk, for wild land firefighting I have to be able to walk 3 miles in 45 minutes with 45 pound pack on, I don't have a 45 pound pack so I just did it with out in about 42 minutes that's as fast as my short legs can go, that feels so good on the bum, the other day I did some girl type leg exercises and that I could feel for the next 3 days.
Then I went to the bank, food city and home.
I got home took a long hot bath, put on my boobs hair and tried on my new clothes which is where I am at now and hopefully keep them on for the next 3 days.
Susan

Entry for Febuary 23, 2009
Monday, every thing has slowed down, just doing some cleaning up and relaxing.
Got a call so I am going to a friends house and play quarters, I am not a big drinker but should be fun anyway.
Susan

Entry for Febuary 24, 2009
I had a nice night at my friends house last night, I only had 1 beer so that was good.
The girls got to see how I dress when I am at home because I basically went out how I was dressed, just refreshed the makeup.
Another slow day today, cleaned the bathroom, so much fun.
Taco Tuesday night at Marie's I dressed up in the new dress that I got at the swap meet the other day, so it's a little over dressed for taco's but it's fun, on the way I had to stop and get something to drink at a convenience store, boy did I get the looks, I know that I may never present well and it may not be that I really care, just so long as I can dress the way I want to, most women that I see, the ones I am supposed to dress like are boring or are slobs, oh well I will figure it out.
Susan

Entry for February 18, 2009
Today I ran about 2.5 miles and did a bunch of reading on the computer about Electrolysis, found another good site that somebody put on one of the groups and went to check out doctors in Thailand, tried to clean up my desk and put papers away but I just do not have enough places to put stuff, how do I get all this stuff, time to spring clean again.
Got a new swim suit catalog in the mail today from my favorite place called Skinz. So what do I do now, do I buy boys? or girls? I guess I have enough boys so I will try to find a girls that will fit without the boobs and big enough for down below, summer will be here before I know it.
Susan

Entry for February 19, 2009
Another day working on the computer and cleaning up and getting ready for work, also trying to figure out medical billing, what fun.
Tonight was Starbucks night so I dressed up again and went to see my friends, I had this red berry tea, it's really good and I don't usually go for things like that every thing is changing for me.
I have been dressed girl for three days now but back to work in the morning and back to guy mode, I hope I get to come out soon but I know not to rush it now, haven't been caught yet, I know it's going to happen when I least expect it.
I should be able to blog in the next 2 days at work, this station has a computer. Susan

Entry for February 16, 2009
The last 2 days at work were uneventful again, I did do a little pushing but I can't remember what I said, I did take my hot pink coffee cup to work just to see what they would say, but all I got was a " got a new coffee cup" That was it. I did get to read 2 chapters of the book Sex Changes The Politics of Transgenderism. So even without a computer at this station I was able to get some thing done.
Today is still almost a work day, after I got off work I came home, got changed into tee shirt, sweat shirt and my girl jeans and went to a medic meeting at one of the havasu fire stations, I try to go on work days but this month it falls on my off time, I have to attend 10 meetings in the year so I had to go. After that my Electrolysis called and she had an opening at 1:30 so I said OK and did that for 4 hours.
Now I have to go back to town at the main station for a union meeting, run, run, run.
Tomorrow I am going to Phoenix to see a doctor for hormones and then hope to be back in time for taco Tuesday. Susan

Entry for February 17, 2009
This is for yesterday. I went to Phoenix yesterday to see a doctor for hormones, so it was another uneventful 4 hour drive, the only thing was the top I had on I had never worn with boobs before and it was just too small so on the way home I took it off and put on a hooded sweat shirt.
Got to the doctors office and of course it was a big office building that I had to walk into, filled out the paper work, got right in meet the doctor and basically talked for about an hour, he introduced him self and how he feels about the subject, the process, what I want to do, went over any medical problems that I have, then told me how he was going to make what I want happen.
I have never had a doctor as nice as this one, he seems to know so much more than the other doctors I have been to, I have one problem that my last doctor here in town wasn't able to fix that he knows how to fix it, it's so easy. So far all the professional people have been great to me, I have no complaints.
Anyway I will be getting my Hormones soon then I will feel like I have really started and to my therapist yes I am happy, the closer it gets the happier I get, I was a little teary eyed on the way home last night, that's a good thing thank you.
Stopped at my friends house on the way home again for taco Tuesday, another good night and another good day.
I will be back later to do today's stuff Susan

Entry for February 13, 2009
Yesterday I went to Phoenix to see my therapist again, She went over the results from the MM PI test, just about what I expected, not in distress or depression, that I may brood and get down on myself, frequently discouraged and easily hurt by criticism, calm, easy going and optimistic.
I have a higher masculine pattern than a woman taking the test, do you think that could be due to trying to live as a man for 55 years.
That I show social discomfort and a tendency to avoid social interaction, that's because I am shy, I thought about this a lot because I hate being shy, I watch other people and wish I could be like them, maybe I would have done this a long time ago if I had been more out going, I don't think I was shy when I was real young, around three years old, I told my ex wife what I think changed me, of course she thought it was stupid, when I was three I remember walking up to a bigger kid to tell him his mother wanted him and he shot me in the eye with a pop gun, I think that's when I became afraid of people, who knows, maybe it was when I almost drowned in a lake, maybe I got brain damage, anyway it's too late now, now that's something my therapist could help me with, I wonder if hypnosis works on that, I also wondered if hypnosis works on GID, I would bet that if you are for real the only thing it's going to do is mess you up more because the girl is still trying to get out but you are not letting her so it would just cause more conflict.
Today I received a sorry card from the person who gave me the wrong key for the restroom when I went to take the MM PI test, I had put it on a comment card before I left, I did call and thank her anyway.
I went in for another two hours of electrolysis, so much fun.
Made a doctor appointment for next Tuesday, to my therapist Yes I am excited, I just don't show it like most people do, I am real guarded, I don't like disappointment and until things are really working this is the way I am, I don't count my chickens before they are hatched.
On the way home last night I had four hours to think again, My therapist gave me the diagnosis of GID which is what I wanted, it's what I need, I started to have mixed feelings about it, It says that there is something officially wrong with me and that's no little thing when you think about it, Yes I am still Happy it just hasn't hit yet.
I also stopped at Starbucks for the local pride meeting, I walked in behind a Havasu police officer, I was a little shaky when I sat down but got over it in minutes and went up to the counter to get a drink, the girls that work there are real nice.
Thats all for now, it's being a busy four days and back to work fore the weekend, I will write on monday. Susan

Bad Day February 10, 2009
Why is it that one thing can ruin a perfectly good day, today I went to Phoenix to take the MMPI test, I got off work at 8 am went to the bank, then to my friends house to change cause there was not enough time to go home, drove to Phoenix with one stop at the rest stop and then to my appointment, I went into the office and asked for the key for the rest room, the lady gave me a key, I went out to the lady's rest room and the key did not work, I tried for about a minute before I tried the mens room, it worked there, I didn't want to walk back to the office so I went in, luckily nobody was in there so I went and did my business, while I was in there somebody came in, I had on flip flops and my toe nails are painted so I moved my feet back as far as they would go so as not to be seen, I waited for him to leave and then I got out of there as fast as I could, went back to the office, not too happy mind you but did not say anything, filled out paper work, took the 567 question true and false test, it all took about 1 1/2 hours, went to the front office this time I asked for the restroom key the other one, she said sorry and gave me the lady's key, and that went fine, the bad part is coming.
On the way back home I stop at this ZIP truck stop to fill up, it has the best price and the whole trip cost runs about $55, I got done fueling then went into the lady's rest room just like last time, did not really see anybody watching me but I was sitting down peeing and somebody was checking my stall door, I said occupied and finished, went to wash my hands, she was still out there, one of the store employees, as I was trying to was my hands she was trying to tell me the manager wanted to talk to me, so I went out and he was waiting at the entrance to the rest room, I am not sure what he said exactly but some thing like Sir you can't use the lady's room you have to use the men room so I said I can't use the men room do you have a single rest room, he then pointed to two handicap rest room, I said that was cool and sorry and that was that, I wasn't going to run out of there so I went looking for beer for the taco Tuesday night, I had to ask another employee, she said they didn't have beer there so I left.
The rest of the night was good, I stopped at a mini mart picked up some beer and went to my friends house for taco Tuesday, meet some new people had some good tacos and cake and went home, not a bad day but that 2 minutes is still with me and will set me back for a long time, It wouldn't bother me that much but if I was to be arrested for being in the wrong bath room, that would ruin every thing and I would be really be pissed, what does Harry Benjamin say about us getting arrested for trying to follow his SOC. I know many people have been through the same thing because that's what we have to do but it doesn't make it right, because of who we are I can under stand the discrimination and the humiliation that we are put through from people that don't under stand us but when doctors make us do things knowing perfectly well what's going to happen then some thing is wrong with the system.
I am 55 now, I don't want to wait till I am 60 to have SRS, I would like to enjoy life a little before I get too old, If I am 60 I may not even need a vagina, what am I going to do with it, I may as well just have this thing cut off, just so long as I can pee straight and not run down my leg, It seems that they want to evaluate you for three months, then let you go on hormones, in about 2 years when you start looking better you can start with 24/7 living as a women. A lot of the people I have seen are really good looking as men even before they started hormones I am not one of them.
It's going to be a long hard year and so long as I don't get arrested I will take what ever they dish out, I have just started down a long tunnel, I will let you know when I see light at the end.
The last two days at work were uneventful and today I just rested, put things away and got ready to go back to Phoenix tomorrow for therapy. Later Susan