One of the worst things about a four hour drive home alone is that I have too much time to think, on the way home Sunday night I was thinking about something I think about a lot.
I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done to my life, I know people say get over it, it's done, you can't do anything about the past so just get over it, well I wish it was that easy.
In 1979 I got married, I did not want to but I did because I got drunk one night and proposed, I am a very stubborn person, when I say I am going to do something I do it, I never thought it would last, I thought she would be gone within the year, that didn't happen, I rejoined the navy, didn't think she would last through that but she did, you are probably asking why I didn't leave, I would have had to have been a man to do that, I was scared of the divorce and what she would do to me.
I would like to have had kids but because I didn't think it would last I was not going to have kids with her but mostly because I did not like her.
How could I do this, how could I screw up both our life's, this is what I can not forget or get over, 25 years gone, it may have not gone any better if I have not married but it would have been my life I screwed up and it would have been my chose, I am so stupid, I know I should not think like this but I do and nothing seems to change that, life will go on, my new life helps a little but it also makes things worse because of the 25 years lost.
Life goes on and so will I.
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Baring the soul can be very therapeutic. It probably makes you feel just a little better to share your feelings with us. However, like you said...you can't do anything about your past, and neither can we. However, if you really feel remorse, perhaps a soul cleansing explanation and apology to your ex would help. A very long, heartfelt, gut-wrenching letter might help...especially if you offer to talk about it in person, if she so desires.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that will eat at you all the rest of your days is some "sin" you have not come to grips with. When I search my life, I still find little nuggets of lead tied to my heart...animosities, and hurt feelings that have never been dealt with.
There have also been times when I have confronted my "brother" and amazingly, more often than not, things were worked out...all was forgiven and the hurt faded.
I would say that those four hour drives just might be one of the best things to happen to you. Meditation is important and can help change your life. Hang in there girl...use that stubbornness to FIX the problem it caused. :)Suzi