I really screwed up this weekend, I have always been told to trust my feeling, well I acted on them this weekend and I hurt somebody very dear to me and I hurt myself too, how could I have been so wrong, how could I miss read my feeling so badly, I don't know what to do about this, if I can't trust my feelings any more how am I going to know how to be with anyone, I am just lost.
I will not blame this on hormones, that seems like an excuse to me even though my prescription was doubled last time in Phoenix.
I have found myself jealous of things other people do, it just seems to me that everybody has friends that they can go out and do things with, yes I do live in BFE and that changes things a little but I will drive into town any time something is going on, I go every where in town and do what I need to do but I don't go out to eat or go to bars by myself, it seems so sad to sit in a restaurant by yourself, these are things that I would not do before I started transition.
I like my friends in the GLBT group, they are all nice people but I don't seem to fit in, I don't have anything in common which makes it hard for me to talk to them. I am not Gay, Lesbian or Bi, sometimes I don't even think I am heterosexual, I would have to have some kind of relationship for that.
It's because of the above things that I will be backing off for awhile, hopefully I will be able to set my head on straight, I will be staying off face-book, it is just too painful for me.
I don't have the communication skills to meet people on line, I don't know what to say most of the time and a lot of what I read I have no idea what they are talking about.
I am not backing off my transition, right now it's the only thing that makes me feel good, I have found that feeling bad hurts my self confidence big time, I have also had a lot of looks lately, most of the time I don't care but when you are feeling bad it make it hard to take, some TG's think that you should not even come out until you are done with transition or you can pass most of the time, that would be a long time to never for me so that's not going to happen.
I will be back when my head gets straight, well that will never happen but you know what I mean. Susan
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I don't mean to tell you what to do Susan, but after more than 58 years of life there is one thing I have learned for sure. Running from your problems is absolutely the slowest way to solve them. You won't get your head screwed back on straight by keeping it buried in the sand. If you have hurt someone, confront them with sincere apologies, ask for forgiveness, and move on. If they can't forgive you then THEY need to get their heads screwed back on straight.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the loneliness you feel. I go out at least twice a month and I always go alone. I've tried to make friends with people in my area but it just never seems to happen. I have one good friend that I go out with about 3 times a year. Just yesterday (Sat.) I was out on the town. I went to a movie by myself. Then I went shopping by myself. I contemplated eating out and considered several places, but, like you, I thought, it's so pointless to eat out by yourself. It's natural for resentment or jealousy to build in such situations, but we can't let that drive us into seclusion.
I just suggest that you keep plugging away at establishing new friendships. I know it's hard, I speak from experience. In three years I've made one close friend...one that I seldom see, except on line. Don't give up gf. Work on those communication skills harder than ever instead of backing off. "Practice makes perfect" applies in this area too. There's nothing you can't do if you just don't give up...so...don't give up :) Hugs, Suzi
Suzi I am not going to run away or hide, I am just going to back off until I feel better, this happened on Friday, Saturday I had to go out shopping, I did not really feel like it but I went anyway, I looked a little like the profile picture, first stop was Sally's beauty supply, then Home Depot, then to Lowe's cause Home Depot did not have what I needed, I also went to our main fire station because I forgot my ear rings in my locker on my last shift, after that I went to Checker auto parts, the drive thru at the bank so I could get money to eat at Carl's Junior, after that I went to the grocery store for food and TP, I forgot the TP,
ReplyDeleteThe only things I do not do is go out to eat at restaurants and bars by my self and that is going to change, I can't do it this Friday because I will be at Transform AZ but the next Friday and all the others that I am not working I will go to a different bar every Friday until I find places I like.
So you see I am not hiding or running away, I was just really upset, Facebook is not good for me, it lets me see what everybody is doing or mostly what they have done and I was left out, I have to start living my own life and if that means staying away from the GLBT community then that,s the way it has to be.
Thanks for the comments Suzi, I always value your input. Susan