@18,000 is what it has cost so far to just be me.
Electrolysis: 119 Hours $7,715
Nose & Nipples: $6,700
Doctor: $510
MMPI test: $200
Hair: $1,000
Eyes: $400
Therapist: $675
Transportation to Phoenix $800
This does not include clothing and makeup.
So far this is the best $18,000 I have ever spent, I would never have thought I would ever spend that much money on my self, I don't think I have spent that much all my life, I never would buy myself much before.
This year I am looking at around $25,000 maybe more if I can manage it and it does take management, what and when I can do things is all controlled by the money flow, money makes the world go around.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Goals for 2010
This is a list of goals I am going to try and get done this year, you have to have goals right.
1. Stay healthy.
2. keep my job or at least stay working.
3. Be myself.
4. Give back as much or more love and support to my friends as they have given me.
5. The thing I have always wanted, SRS.
6. Recover from surgery.
7. Return to work.
8. Complete the work on my house.
9. Prepare for the next surgery, not sure which one that will be.
10. Finish electrolysis.( I don't think this will ever be done).
I think that is a lot to do in one year so I will leave it at that, I may add more later if I forgot any.
1. Stay healthy.
2. keep my job or at least stay working.
3. Be myself.
4. Give back as much or more love and support to my friends as they have given me.
5. The thing I have always wanted, SRS.
6. Recover from surgery.
7. Return to work.
8. Complete the work on my house.
9. Prepare for the next surgery, not sure which one that will be.
10. Finish electrolysis.( I don't think this will ever be done).
I think that is a lot to do in one year so I will leave it at that, I may add more later if I forgot any.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2009
2009 was a very big year for me perhaps my biggest ever, this was the year when I started my transition, I would have started 2 months earlier right after I realized what I am but I had some things I needed to clear up before I could start.
I made my first appointments with my therapist, I was driving about 2 times a month to Phoenix so I could get the letter for hormones and really get started on my physical transition, that was done by the end of February which means I have been on hormones now for 10 months.
I also started early in January working on my new wardrobe, something I will be working on the rest of my life and loving it. I never once went to Phoenix in boy mode.
I think January was when I started going to Starbucks for coffee with the local GLBT group, I will never forget walking in there the first time, it was the first time in full dress, I was shaking so bad and all I did was sit down at a table with BOB, wow how things have changed.
April and May is when I did my coming out,this was done so soon because I was driving around this small town and I knew that I was going to be seen real soon so I thought I would do it under my own terms. I did not really have any friends that I had to come out to(how sad is that) so it was work first which was not as hard as I thought it would be and then I came out to my family in England, coming out for me was one of the best things I have ever done, it lets me be me.
May is when I started my name change and was done on June 9th, I am still finding things that have my old name on them, what a pain.
Electrolysis was started in January also and was worked on all year, I am up to about 130 hours with many more to go.
In September I had my nose job, that nose had given me a hard time for over over 35 years, not only does it look better but more important it's the way it makes me feel about myself that makes the biggest difference, it also helps in the passing I think mostly from not attracting attention to me.
I think it was September when I made my appointment for GRS, it seemed like so long away back then but I moved the date up a month when I was given the chance and now it's 5 months away, I can't wait.
I have made a lot of new friends this year who have made this transition easier for me. I would like to thank Marie and Billie for all their support.
I have found out that I can still love and I still have feeling and boy do I have feeling, I don't remmber the last day when I had dry eyes, it's all good.
I have been living full time now for about 8 months (from when I came out), it feels normal for me to be dressed as a woman and that's because I have always been one inside.
This was also the first year I have ever written a blog, in fact I have written more this year than in my whole life, I did slow down a little on the blogs but that is because what I was doing had become the norm and there was nothing new to write about, all this was new to me.
I have had some problems but nothing bad, I have had a great year, this was the year when I started living again.
I think I covered everything, I am still open about everything and if you ever want to ask questions go ahead, I am always ready to talk about my new life.
Happy New Year. Susan
I made my first appointments with my therapist, I was driving about 2 times a month to Phoenix so I could get the letter for hormones and really get started on my physical transition, that was done by the end of February which means I have been on hormones now for 10 months.
I also started early in January working on my new wardrobe, something I will be working on the rest of my life and loving it. I never once went to Phoenix in boy mode.
I think January was when I started going to Starbucks for coffee with the local GLBT group, I will never forget walking in there the first time, it was the first time in full dress, I was shaking so bad and all I did was sit down at a table with BOB, wow how things have changed.
April and May is when I did my coming out,this was done so soon because I was driving around this small town and I knew that I was going to be seen real soon so I thought I would do it under my own terms. I did not really have any friends that I had to come out to(how sad is that) so it was work first which was not as hard as I thought it would be and then I came out to my family in England, coming out for me was one of the best things I have ever done, it lets me be me.
May is when I started my name change and was done on June 9th, I am still finding things that have my old name on them, what a pain.
Electrolysis was started in January also and was worked on all year, I am up to about 130 hours with many more to go.
In September I had my nose job, that nose had given me a hard time for over over 35 years, not only does it look better but more important it's the way it makes me feel about myself that makes the biggest difference, it also helps in the passing I think mostly from not attracting attention to me.
I think it was September when I made my appointment for GRS, it seemed like so long away back then but I moved the date up a month when I was given the chance and now it's 5 months away, I can't wait.
I have made a lot of new friends this year who have made this transition easier for me. I would like to thank Marie and Billie for all their support.
I have found out that I can still love and I still have feeling and boy do I have feeling, I don't remmber the last day when I had dry eyes, it's all good.
I have been living full time now for about 8 months (from when I came out), it feels normal for me to be dressed as a woman and that's because I have always been one inside.
This was also the first year I have ever written a blog, in fact I have written more this year than in my whole life, I did slow down a little on the blogs but that is because what I was doing had become the norm and there was nothing new to write about, all this was new to me.
I have had some problems but nothing bad, I have had a great year, this was the year when I started living again.
I think I covered everything, I am still open about everything and if you ever want to ask questions go ahead, I am always ready to talk about my new life.
Happy New Year. Susan
Friday, December 18, 2009
Shyness
This is some thing I do not talk about much but for the people that do not know me it may help to explain why it took me so long to start my transition.
Does any shy person out there know if they had been shy their whole life or did they become shy later on? for me I think I remember when I became shy, of course every body I have told this to does not believe it.
When I was around 3 years old I remember walking up to a kid to tell him that his mother wanted him, he responded by shooting me in the eye with a popgun, up until then I do not remember being shy, that's when we lived in Canada, the next thing I remember is being in school in England about 2 years later, the reason I think this happened was in my mind it made me scared to go up to anybody because of what they may do to me, I know I was so shy I would not go into a store by myself to buy anything until I was a teenager, even then I would rather have my mother or dad buy it.
I remember one day in England, my mother had to drag me to the school van, she made me wear shorts, no way did I want the other kids making fun of me in shorts, you know that old song that goes like "who wears short shorts" that how old it is about 1960, until I was 13 I lived in a small village of around 80 people, I think there were only 5 kids to play with so not a lot of interaction with others. some days I can't believe that was me that lived that life.
In 1968 we moved to the states, now I had to go to a new school system, I have no idea how I lived through that, kids are mean when you talk different. that summer we moved to a house on the banks of the Mississippi River, that's when I made my first pair of cutoffs and I have been wearing short shorts ever since even though I was still shy.
Being shy has always held me back, in school I would never raise my hand in class, I would never go to the black board, I would not ask the teachers for help, I would not even do my home work because I was embarrassed to ask my parents for help and I never went to any school dances.
This was the same all through the navy, same but different. I do not know how I made it, not only was I shy, I was scared, scared to be hurt, scared to be embarrassed, just scared of a lot of things, I never told anybody what music I liked because because I didn't want them to laugh at me for liking the girl music I have always liked.
So when I look back at all this it is easy to see why it took me so long to figure out that I was TS, there was no way back then that I would have talked to anybody or asked anybody about why I liked to wear girls clothes, I never told my wife about it, she found out on her own, her threats to tell my friends and the navy was more than enough to keep me at bay for a long time, we split in 2003 that's when I moved to Arizona, I guess I didn't do anything then because I was working on getting my life back together, to tell the truth I did not even know why I was living, all I was doing was keeping my miserable life going, for what, I had no real friends, lived alone, had no where to go, there was really no reason for living.
Anyway kind of getting off the subject, this blog was in response to a reply I got to a post I put on a Yahoo group, why it took me so long to figure out I am a transsexual.
I think you can see that I was shy and scared, I have just been a big baby all my life, when I first found out I could afford the SRS, that's all I wanted, why did I have to dress 7/24, I was still scared but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it and I was going to do what ever it took because I knew it was right. A lot has happened in the last year, I will do an end of year blog, the people that know me now probably have no idea what I was like before, I am out and open, I am ready to live the rest of my life, I am not scared anymore, I am still a little shy but working on that too, give me another year and I hope that will be gone too.
Love Susan
Does any shy person out there know if they had been shy their whole life or did they become shy later on? for me I think I remember when I became shy, of course every body I have told this to does not believe it.
When I was around 3 years old I remember walking up to a kid to tell him that his mother wanted him, he responded by shooting me in the eye with a popgun, up until then I do not remember being shy, that's when we lived in Canada, the next thing I remember is being in school in England about 2 years later, the reason I think this happened was in my mind it made me scared to go up to anybody because of what they may do to me, I know I was so shy I would not go into a store by myself to buy anything until I was a teenager, even then I would rather have my mother or dad buy it.
I remember one day in England, my mother had to drag me to the school van, she made me wear shorts, no way did I want the other kids making fun of me in shorts, you know that old song that goes like "who wears short shorts" that how old it is about 1960, until I was 13 I lived in a small village of around 80 people, I think there were only 5 kids to play with so not a lot of interaction with others. some days I can't believe that was me that lived that life.
In 1968 we moved to the states, now I had to go to a new school system, I have no idea how I lived through that, kids are mean when you talk different. that summer we moved to a house on the banks of the Mississippi River, that's when I made my first pair of cutoffs and I have been wearing short shorts ever since even though I was still shy.
Being shy has always held me back, in school I would never raise my hand in class, I would never go to the black board, I would not ask the teachers for help, I would not even do my home work because I was embarrassed to ask my parents for help and I never went to any school dances.
This was the same all through the navy, same but different. I do not know how I made it, not only was I shy, I was scared, scared to be hurt, scared to be embarrassed, just scared of a lot of things, I never told anybody what music I liked because because I didn't want them to laugh at me for liking the girl music I have always liked.
So when I look back at all this it is easy to see why it took me so long to figure out that I was TS, there was no way back then that I would have talked to anybody or asked anybody about why I liked to wear girls clothes, I never told my wife about it, she found out on her own, her threats to tell my friends and the navy was more than enough to keep me at bay for a long time, we split in 2003 that's when I moved to Arizona, I guess I didn't do anything then because I was working on getting my life back together, to tell the truth I did not even know why I was living, all I was doing was keeping my miserable life going, for what, I had no real friends, lived alone, had no where to go, there was really no reason for living.
Anyway kind of getting off the subject, this blog was in response to a reply I got to a post I put on a Yahoo group, why it took me so long to figure out I am a transsexual.
I think you can see that I was shy and scared, I have just been a big baby all my life, when I first found out I could afford the SRS, that's all I wanted, why did I have to dress 7/24, I was still scared but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it and I was going to do what ever it took because I knew it was right. A lot has happened in the last year, I will do an end of year blog, the people that know me now probably have no idea what I was like before, I am out and open, I am ready to live the rest of my life, I am not scared anymore, I am still a little shy but working on that too, give me another year and I hope that will be gone too.
Love Susan
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Neighbors
Ever since i moved in to my little house in BFE I have been a loner, not that I really wanted to be but the way I dressed it was better that way, I just did not think that my neighbors would like me, I have only been to one house in 6 years, Friday night I was invited over to one of the neighbors houses for a little get together Saturday night, these are people I have only talked to a few times over two years as that other person and have always been nice, I was going to go for sure.
So I arrived a little late, was not sure of the time to be there, anyway I walked in to the living room to five women and three men, once I was introduced I realized I knew three of the other people besides the hosts, they are members of the water board, I had never talked to them about anything other than water related stuff. after I was given a glass of wine I sat down with the ladies and worked my way into the small talk, after I was there about 45 minutes the guys went outside to start a fire, not too long later the hostess asked me "So Susan what's going on with you?" I had told her a little bit on Friday but she wanted to hear the rest of the story, I had already thought about this for the last day so I was ready and would have been disappointed had I not been able to, I started telling about myself and how I started, how I knew, about HBSOC, where I am at with my transition and my plans, Oh and hows it's going for me, some of the women knew a little bit about Transgender and others knew nothing, when the guys came in we got off track but got back to it a little later, when I had a one on one talk with the lady sitting next to me I noticed the hostess listing intently, the lady thanked me for talking about it so openly and I thanked her for letting me talk about it.
I was there four and a half hours and had a really nice time, I hope to be invited to more things like that, I think I looked good and my whole presentation was good, it does not get any better than that.
Susan
PS I have now been on hormones for 9 months.
So I arrived a little late, was not sure of the time to be there, anyway I walked in to the living room to five women and three men, once I was introduced I realized I knew three of the other people besides the hosts, they are members of the water board, I had never talked to them about anything other than water related stuff. after I was given a glass of wine I sat down with the ladies and worked my way into the small talk, after I was there about 45 minutes the guys went outside to start a fire, not too long later the hostess asked me "So Susan what's going on with you?" I had told her a little bit on Friday but she wanted to hear the rest of the story, I had already thought about this for the last day so I was ready and would have been disappointed had I not been able to, I started telling about myself and how I started, how I knew, about HBSOC, where I am at with my transition and my plans, Oh and hows it's going for me, some of the women knew a little bit about Transgender and others knew nothing, when the guys came in we got off track but got back to it a little later, when I had a one on one talk with the lady sitting next to me I noticed the hostess listing intently, the lady thanked me for talking about it so openly and I thanked her for letting me talk about it.
I was there four and a half hours and had a really nice time, I hope to be invited to more things like that, I think I looked good and my whole presentation was good, it does not get any better than that.
Susan
PS I have now been on hormones for 9 months.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
WHY
why have I not been blogging much lately, well there is not much to blog about, dressing is an every day thing now so not a big deal, hormone changes are so slow that there is not much to write about, work has not been a problem, there is one thing but I will write about that later.
Why I have not been going out more, that's simple, no money honey, I am saving up for the big operation and electrolysis so not much left to play with, it's hard, I want to buy so much, I don't have winter clothing and I want to go places and do things but it's just going to have to wait for a year or two.
Why am I having a problem finding a friend to hang out with, is it because I live in BFE, is it because I don't go out much, I do go out more now than ever before. I have never been able to meet people on line, I am not a very good writer, never have been and when you can't write something witty people don't seem to be interested in you.
Why is it I feel like I did in high school, the emotions I have been having in the last flew months are tearing me up, things friends say or don't say, things friends do and don't do, I am really sensitive to every thing and it's not some thing they are doing wrong although it would be nice if they could be a little more sensitive to me until I learn how to handle this.
Why do I cry myself to sleep some nights, for things I can't have, other than that I can't talk about it here. there are somethings you can't blog about.
I thought I had more whys but I guess not, It may seem that I am having problems but I am OK, this has been the best year in a very long time for me and I hope it will get better, I changed the date of my surgery from July to June, so in six months and one week I will be leaving for Thailand.
I am happy with my breasts, I can actually fill out some of my tops now, I never thought I would like them so much, they are wonderful.
See things are Great.
OK I am done for now talk to you later.
Love Susan
Why I have not been going out more, that's simple, no money honey, I am saving up for the big operation and electrolysis so not much left to play with, it's hard, I want to buy so much, I don't have winter clothing and I want to go places and do things but it's just going to have to wait for a year or two.
Why am I having a problem finding a friend to hang out with, is it because I live in BFE, is it because I don't go out much, I do go out more now than ever before. I have never been able to meet people on line, I am not a very good writer, never have been and when you can't write something witty people don't seem to be interested in you.
Why is it I feel like I did in high school, the emotions I have been having in the last flew months are tearing me up, things friends say or don't say, things friends do and don't do, I am really sensitive to every thing and it's not some thing they are doing wrong although it would be nice if they could be a little more sensitive to me until I learn how to handle this.
Why do I cry myself to sleep some nights, for things I can't have, other than that I can't talk about it here. there are somethings you can't blog about.
I thought I had more whys but I guess not, It may seem that I am having problems but I am OK, this has been the best year in a very long time for me and I hope it will get better, I changed the date of my surgery from July to June, so in six months and one week I will be leaving for Thailand.
I am happy with my breasts, I can actually fill out some of my tops now, I never thought I would like them so much, they are wonderful.
See things are Great.
OK I am done for now talk to you later.
Love Susan
Monday, November 9, 2009
How do I look
I have been talking to the ex wife lately mostly about paper work, I had to send her some papers and I sent her some pictures of me because she said she was ready to see what I look like now, so she got the pictures on Saturday and today we had to talk about more paper work and when we were done I asked her how do I look? well she did not say anything bad but she did not say anything good either, my hair is too long, I need to cover my arms, too much blue on my eyes so it makes me wonder, do my friends tell what I want to hear because they don't want to hurt my feelings are they telling me the truth, I know I am talking about the ex wife and why should I listen to her but I listen to every body and then I do what I like anyway but I still like to know what people think about how I look, it is the only way I can get better.
Yesterday I went to the swap meet then to breakfast and I walked around and across the London Bridge, I had no problems, did not even notice anybody looking at me so I must be doing something right and I love it and I feel good, that's what matters.
Yesterday I went to the swap meet then to breakfast and I walked around and across the London Bridge, I had no problems, did not even notice anybody looking at me so I must be doing something right and I love it and I feel good, that's what matters.
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